2011

Goodbye 2010 you have had so many ups and downs, but ultimately I have ended the year in a worse place than when I started in. Anyway 2011 shall begin afresh and I am ready for it to be awesome. Will start to post again when I am 126, see you all soon and happy new year.

I hate Christmas

Hey everyone. I am briefly dropping in to say I am doing really well, pre-Christmas I was almost 127lbs, i dread to think of the damage the last few days has done so I went be weighing for a while. Cannot wait for the 1st Jan, I am going on a mega detox and I shall be back posting with you regularly once I am under 126. See you all soon. Take care.

Away for a while

Weighed myself this morning and I am not impressed at all! I am not allowing myself back on here until I get to 126lbs. So see you all in a while.

Skinny girl starts tomorrow

So this weekend has not been bad, I've just been preparing myself for skinny girl to start tomorrow. Intake has prob been around 1300-1600 for the last 3 days not bad at all.

Friday:
Porridge with peanut butter
Plum
Satsuma
Lettuce
Homemade lentil stew
Almonds
Raisins and dried figs
Tofu with stir fried veg

Saturday:
Peanut butter porridge
homemade lentil stew
2 ryvita crackers with peanut butter
Anniversary meal was not bad at all:
Olives
Half a very thin slice of bread with tiny bit of oil
Rocket
Some bruschetta topping
Penne with tomato sauce with olives and capers (I probably ate like 1/4 of it...go me!)
Majority of a bottle of wine (Hence why I feel shit today!)

Today (Major hangover!)
Peanut butter porridge
Pitta with olives houmous and falafel
Banana
Apple
Bowl of cornflakes
Strawberries
Gooseberries
Carrots, Cauliflower, Sweet potato and Celeriac mash

Actually the last 3 days have not been bad at all! I have no idea what I weigh mind, I will weigh tomorrow morning before the start of the SGD. I really hope to be around 130, but doubt I will be!

It will be the first time I have ever tried the SGD so hopefully it will go well. First day is 400 plus fruit and veggies. Hopefully should be quite busy this week, so I am hoping for a good week. I really need to kickstart my exercise, I haven't done my yoga since Monday! I need to start doing it again, and start running again, once my new running pants arrive. I am getting a bike for Christmas, which is going to be awesome, I haven't had one since I was a kid, so I am really looking forward to that.

I am going to London next weekend and would love to be in the 120's by then. Fingers crossed.

Fasting

Fasting going well, just water and I am almost 12 hours in :) going to bed now. I have to stop losing control like this morning and I think stopping the purging is definitely the way to do it, I suppose eating 2000 calories all day is not the end of the world, just need to make sure it is less if it happens again. Anyway tomorrow I shall break the fast, if I am hungry I will have oatmeal before I go to work but if not I will carry it on for a bit longer and then have some homemade lentil and tomato soup. For dinner tomorrow I am making stir fry for me and my boyfriend, I will just have stir fry veg and tofu though, no noodles for me :) Saturday we are going out as it is our 7 year relationship anniversary! God where did that time go! I will try and order the healthiest vegan thing on the menu, and eat half of it. I am just going to keep this weekend as low as possible and healthy foods and then Monday start skinny girl, lets see how it goes. I am in a good frame of mind to start this right now, I feel enough is enough, really this time I feel super determined, I want to see the 120's again! Have good weekends.

Not easy

I fasted for 20 hours, did not even feel hungry at all but for some reason decided to break the fast with cereal big mistake! I have now consumed about 2000 calories in 2 hours but I am refusing to purge as this just reinforces the binge/purge cycle. Will just have to deal with feeling very uncomfortable and bloated for today! I think this is really the way to break the cycle. I am fasting until 11am tomorrow when I will break my fast when I am in work with soup or a salad and then I am at my boyfriends all weekend so there will be no more binges :)

Todays Binge:
Several bowls of cornflakes with rice milk
Oatmeal
2 homemade vegan peanut butter cups (death)
1 homemade blueberry muffin
Pitta with homous and tofu
Apple

I suck. Anyways I am going to fast until tomorrow then restrict as much as possible all weekend and then start the skinny girl diet on monday. I am hoping to be around 130 by monday!

A letter to bulimia

Dear Bulimia,

                      I don't remember where we first met, in fact I don't remember when we first met or how or why! But I do know this, I remember the place that I said goodbye to you, and that is right here and right now.

You have taken me time, my energy, my money, my self-esteem, my confidence, my body and I have nothing to show for it. I am in a far worse position than when I first met you.

You said you would be the solution, you would make me thin. You can't make me thin, you have left me bloated and puffy and messed up from the inside. Mentally and physically you have left me destroyed.

You have crept into my life and have become more and more of a feature to the detriment of everything else in it. I don't want you to be a part of it any longer.

You were far too easy to get along with and I know that you're going to be far from easy to get rid of, but I am ready for the challenge. This is going to be the toughest thing I have ever done and I am ready for set-backs and failures and I am not going to give in until you are completely out of my life.

I never want to see you again. Thanks for nothing.

MM

How did this happen?

I just had an epic binge, been on the cornflakes all morning then I made my boyfriend vegan peanut butter cups and ate 2 of them. I purged, it was disgusting. I knew this was coming. Failure. I will now embark on a 24 hour fast which may be extended to 36 hours depending on how its going and then I will be starting the skinny girl diet.

Will start to restrict again soon

Everythings going ok, I have been eating really healthy and vegan, and am starting to feel really good, a lot better than I was. My intakes have been around what I should eat for maintenance but I have been exercising a fair bit. I think right now it is important for me that I don't binge, so I am just trying to eat when hungry and allow myself healthy food. I am thinking about doing the skinny girl diet but I am just not in the right frame of mind to do it right now, so some other time I will give it a shot. I have no idea how much I weigh but I can guarantee it is over 131 pounds...fail! I think I keep hoping for quick results and then slipping up because I am not seeing them. I need to decide whether I want to get skinny again the healthy way by continuing my healthy vegan diet (which will obv. take a lot longer) or the unhealthy way by seriously restricting again and fasting (which will give much quicker results). Maybe a mix of the two. Im not sure, my head is all over the place right now.

Todays Intake:

Porridge with rice milk and 2 small squares dark choc melted into it
A couple of almonds, brazil nuts and pecans
Basil tofu with kale and homous
Plum
Satsuma
Grapes
Cous Cous
Apple
Homemade vegan shepherds pie (Veggies and lentils topped with sweet potato...delicious!) with cabbage, spinach and corn
Watermelon with seeds

Around 1600-1700...

Doing ok

I gave up the fast in the end, I think it is highly likely that that would have led me straight into a binge, so instead of just decided to try and eat normally for a while and listen to my body. The last two days have been quite hard though, I have been so hungry, no idea why, so cals have been reasonably high at 1200 and 1600, not bad though, and no binges. Also I am detoxing and going back to my vegan diet so coming off all the junk, refined sugars etc is probably making me feel like I do, aka exhausted and cranky, I know the first few days are always difficult but once I get through them I will start to feel great eating clean vegan foods again and then I will start to think about calories, but right now I just want to focus on eating healthy and go from there.


Intake for yest:
Porridge with raspeberry and pumpkin seeds
Plum
Broccoli
Tofu with lettuce and avocado
Small bit of a banana
Satsuma
Almonds
Lentil soup
Apple

Today:
Porridge with apple and almonds
Falafel houmous and salad wrap (From a wrap bar, it was pretty big, so guestimating calories at 700, although I only got one measly ball of falafel in it, stingy!)
Almonds
Vegan sausages, spring greens and brown rice (Wouldn't normally have the rice, but just feel really drained, like I needed some energy)
Orange


Have been doing a lot of yoga lately, I am finding it really helps me, I feel so serene afterwards, I am considering doing it daily. I am also hoping to join the gym quite soon, I absolutely detest the gym, prefer to be outdoors, but I think its worth joining for the access to swimming pool, and all the classes, and also its a lot safer to be running on the treadmill in the winter.

Anyways how are you all doing? Hope everyones having great weekends. I am off to see some fireworks tonight.

Temporary halt to the water fast

Have fasted for 17 hours so far but had to break the fast this morning as I am going to have vaccinations so I needed to eat before that. When my brother got them, he hadn't had breakfast and fainted in the doctors surgery, cringe. So I have broken the fast with some cereal, but I am starting it back up again right now.

Water Fast has begun

The water fast is no under way...I am suprisingly not doing this for weight loss purposes, I am doing it to detox my body of all the unhealthy crap I have eaten over the last few days before returning to a healthy whole food vegan diet. I think I need to kickstart my body back to healthiness, and I see a water fast as the ideal way to do this. Anyone who wants to come along for the ride you are more than welcome.

Who am I kidding?

So it's been three days since I decided to leave blogger land, 3 days, 2 of which have contained gross binges including non vegan food, and the other day was just a regular day. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel so lost but I really do feel like I need this blog. I just can't seem to find any normality, it is one extreme or the other. Anyway I am completely fed up and feel huuge, so I am embarking on my first ever water fast tomorrow, first few days will be tough as I have long shifts in work but I am hoping that after that I can just crash at my boyfriends, I am aiming for a 5 day water fast, but we will see how it goes. Tonight will be my last meal for a while, it is going to be a really healthy vegan one and then I shall embark on my fast, if anyone else is already fasting or would like to join me then it would be great to hear from you. I shall update tomorrow with a clear body and mind.

100 and out!

This is my 100th post and it will be my last for a while...I have blogged since January and I feel like I am stuck in a rut and I need to get out of it. I am going back to eating only vegan wholefoods, no packaged, processed shit anymore, no more binges, no more non-vegan shit, I don't want that in my life. No more calorie counting, or incessant weighing of food and myself.

I have had 4 years of hell thanks to this disease and I cannot face it anymore. I can't face counting any more calories, fat and sugar content. I know the calorific content of every single food and it rules my day to day life, constantly adding up numbers, numbers, numbers. I can't face getting on the scales every single day, and the rest of my day depending on their outcome, I am not a number, I am so much more than that, and I can't be defined by it anymore.

I have lost countless friends thanks to the strict rituals I have relied upon over the last 4 years of my life, but I have also had countless friends who have stuck by me, through incredibly low times, especially last summer. I can't begin to imagine the pain and suffering that they felt and what they went through because of what I was doing to myself. Countless tear's and nights were spent consoling me and telling me everything would be ok. I just want to be thin-I cried, "I can see your spine" was their reply. I remember turning up to my university ball and my friends boyfriend asking my best friend where I was-referring to the fact that I had completely dissappeard.That's not health, that's not happiness. It's a sick obsession.

Even at my lowest weight, it was never enough, it is never enough, the number you want to attain or the image of yourself you see will never be enough. I have been through years of struggling with my body image, there have been ups, there were fer times when I did feel good about myself, but on the whole there have been so many low's, I have been left with a completely shattered self-confidence, and a lack of any sort of self-esteem. I was no happier at 109 pounds than I am here today at 132.

I have missed out on so much, declining invites to go out because I was worried about calories, declining food at friends and families houses, eating only my safe foods or not eating at all. Not going out because I was worried about alcohol calories. Staying in to exercise instead of seeing my boyfriend. I have lived such a strict, regimented lifestyle for so long, that it is no wonder my body has rebelled and completely betrayed me this past year.

I can't live like this anymore, so here is to a new start, a fresh me, I am only eating healthy vegan whole foods, but I am not calorie counting, I will listen to my body for once, and try to nourish it as best I can. I need this. I want to feel alive again. I want to be me again.

Thanks for following, I will try to keep up with your blogs and maybe check in from time to time. But for now I just need to get away.

I just want to be normal for a while, I don't know how I even begin to go about that, how to function like a normal person, it has been too long but the journey starts here.

Happy World Vegan Day and Vegan month

So it is world vegan day today and the start of world vegan month. I am going to aim for 4 weeks of really healthy vegan eating to try and get under 9st for the beginning of december. I weighed this morning at 132, little dissapointing, I think I need to be a bit more active in my daily life and to cut my intake back a little bit.  Good luck for November everyone and happy vegan day, all you vegans out there.

Reasonable

Today has been ok, I slept in late so ideally would of liked to have had less calories but alas. I did 30 mins upper body workout burning nearly 100 cals. I have to go out for dinner as my boyfriend complains that we dont go out to eat much, and the last time we went was, shock horror, 2 weeks ago!! I just don't like to not be in control of how food is cooked, and not be able to judge the calories, also it is difficult to find vegan food. Anyways we are going to GBK and I am having the butternut squash salad without the cheese and dressing. Have no idea how many cals to count for it though!

Intake:
Lentil soup
Sugar free jelly
2 bowls of rice krispies (evil)
peanuts and raisins
apple
bowl of kale
Around 700, ideally that would be it, but I have to go out for dinner, I am not even hungry! grrr.

Back on the wagon

I apologize for yesterdays rant, I was in a bad place and not feeling great but I feel a lot more positive today. Have kept the calories low to make up for yest. Intake:

Porridge with soy milk
Grapefruit
Houmous with celery
Homemade lentil and red pepper soup
Strawberries and blueberries
Tofu with kale
Around 700 and I am done for the day, I feel so much better today, I just don't know what happened yesterday, or where those feelings come from, I have to figure it out I suppose. Have great weekends.

What a fuck up!

I binged today and I purged. First time I have purged in about a month and a half, I'm disappointed. I knew it was coming though, yesterday was a minor blip, but today was a fucking disaster of epic proportions. I'm completely ashamed to post my intake on here, but I think I will to show how horrendous it was:

Porridge with soya milk
1/2 Grapefruit
Small carrot with houmous
Binge kicks in at lunch time
3 bowls of fruit and fibre
Apple
Peanuts
Grapes
Wholemeal wrap with houmous and tofu
2 enormous bowls of alpen (which is a total fail, as its the first non-vegan thing I have eaten for 2 weeks, disgusting!)
Banana
Lentil soup
Strawberries
Pomegranate
Sugar free jelly
Prunes
Fail.

All in all about 2600 cals, absolute fucking disaster. Plus I look like a complete fucking mess as I purged. I don't want this any more, life was so much easier last year, when I effortlessly didn't eat and was thin and didn't have cravings, oh why oh why did I choose to reintroduce foods, it has ruined everything.

There is nothing worse than the absolute guilt and shame I felt with my head over the toilet. I knew I was going to purge after the first bowl of alpen, so I went back for more obv. It was just a place I didn't think I'd see again, I thought I had gone past that, past the tear stained cheeks, burst blood vessels, puffy face and red knuckles. I don't want this.

I don't know whats going on in my head, I don't know where my self control want, I don't know where these urges come from, it's just really frustrating because it puts all the progress back to square one.

I am totally rambling so I apologize. I am just at a loss right now.

I think I just need to eat minimally for a few days, I know I am going to feel horrible after consuming so much. I am at my boyfriends all weekend, so am going to aim for 3 days, as low cals as possible, and reassess where I am at on Monday. I will be in a more positive place then I know it.

Quick update

Intake yesterday was good 1100. Mini disaster this morning but I came through it, just about. I came home from my boyfriends to find my mum had been food shopping and she had bought a cereal that is vegan fruit and fibre, goddammit! I knew I wouldn't be able to resist so said to myself I would have a big bowl for lunch, it is never enough though! I ended up having about 4 bowls and now my cals for the day are 1250 disastrous! However I am going to go on the stationary bike for an hour so hopefully will manage to get it under 1000, not so disastrous. It wasn't bad as binges of old would not have stopped there, and im still hugely under the 1700 I should be eating everyday, so its not the end of the world, I'll just make up for it tomorrow. I still have my period, and I feel gross!

New week

Onto day 11 of healthy eating, intake was a little higher than normal on the weekend but that was to be expected considering I was going out with friends drinking etc. Yesterday was 1350 and today 1150 which is great, I've done a 45 minute lower body workout which felt great aswell. I had a real craving for cereal this afternoon, first time in nearly 2 weeks which is good considering how obsessed with it I was, anyway there was not any vegan cereal in the house except a mini pack of nesquik (which I don't even like!) so I had that, it did satisfy the craving and I am happy with how the rest of the day went. It's the first unhealthy thing I have eaten in ages but I am glad it did not seem to trigger anything.

Today's Intake:
Porridge with peanuts and raisins 250
Wholemeal wrap with houmous, lettuce and tofu 300
Pineapple 50
Nesquik with soya milk 130
Banana with peanuts 150
Orange 60
Tomato and Basil soup 130
Apple 70

Done for the day. I start my new job tomorrow :) I am working 2 currently as I am completely broke post-travels. Working all day which is a good thing as I will better be able to control my intake in the day, just eating what I take with me, and it will keep me occupied and not thinking about food!

I took some measurements today for the first time since before I went travelling when I was a lot smaller, it was slightly depressing but at least I am heading in the right direction.

Bicep: 11 Inches
Chest: 34
Waist: 27 (most depressing as it was 23 before!)
Hips:37
Thigh: 22
Neck : 11

Will be good to see these numbers decrease the next time I check.

131lbs

I have no idea how that happened, especially as I went out on a pretty heavy night out last night...maybe its just de-hydration or the fact that I haven't eaten anything in around 20 hours...Also I just got my period so i definitely did not expect to be down by so much...I won't weigh until after my period is over now and hopefully I will be back in the 120's by then...so exciting.

Anyways I had a great night with my best friends, really suffering for it now though, evil hangover, I wish I had been sick when I felt awful before bed last night, it would have sorted out today's hangover! Ugh! Today is going to be a total write off.

Intake was pretty good yesterday, aside from the alcohol it was around 1200. Hangover days are never good for me food-wise, I always need to eat a lot to soak up the monstrous hangover. So far I have had around 700 cals, and I am having veggies for dinner so should keep it under 1200, then back on it tomorrow with exercise to get into the 120's :)

Intake:
Quinoa
Tofu
Lettuce
Houmous
Olives
Banana
Peanuts

First week down

So the first week went really well, I've felt great throughout the week, eating vegan and only whole foods is having a huge impact on how I feel both physically and mentally. Intake for day 8 has been pretty decent:

Porridge with raisins and peanuts 250
Wholemeal wrap with tofu mexican style and homemade guacamole 525 (a little high!)
Grapefruit 50
Homemade lemon and coriander cous-cous with carrots, cauliflower, broccoli and cabbage 240

Probably have a piece of fruit later, keeping the intake around 1150.

I might weigh tomorrow, I am hoping to be 9st 7 but that may be a bit much too ask, we'll see. Going to do some aerobics later. Catching up with my best friends tomorrow, I don't get to see them that often so it will be really nice, though I do feel extremely self conscious of my weight and how I look right now, but I know I am heading in the right direction. Going out tomorrow night with them aswell so will have to make allowances for alcohol with the calories (vodka, lime and soda...standard!) Have great weekends everyone.

Hungry

Really hungry today not sure why, I feel generally lethargic and achy so I haven't done any exercise as of yet. Intake has been fine, pretty pleased as I thought the hunger would lead to a binge but that would just undo all the hard work. Back down to 134 today which is what I was pre the disaster of last week! So thats not bad at all, hoping to be 133 by Saturday. Today's intake:

Porridge and grapefruit 200
Houmous with carrot 60
Ryvita with avocadom, olives, tofu and salad 350
Banana with almonds 200
Big bowl of broccoli 60

Around 850 with dinner of my veggie stew to come and some fruit later, hoping to keep the intake under 1200, should definitely be do-able, and that will complete a very successful first week of veganism.

Nearly a week down

Almost a week of being vegan...not felt bad today, a few cravings which I did not give in to, great considering I've been home alone all day! Intake has actually been really low today, not intentionally it just has ended up that way, which is pretty encouraging, because I am just eating whenever I get hungry and I am eating what I fancy at that time, no plans, just sort of going with the flow, and it seems to be working. I haven't weighed myself this week which is another positive, though I think I will weigh either tomorrow or Friday morning, I am not expecting much due to last weeks binging, so if I weigh around the same as I did prior to the week of unhealthiness I will be reasonably happy.

Today's intake:
Porridge with soya milk and blueberries 180
Wholemeal wrap with houmous, tofu, pea shoots and lettuce 300
Banana with almonds 200
Tiny apple with cinnamon 50

For dinner I am having a serving of a veggie stew I made this morning using carrots, cabbage, leeks, onion, swede and a veg stock cube. It is only 100 cals for a big bowl and is lovely on these colder days :) I will probably finish up with some veggie jelly and strawberries.

Did another 30 mins cardio on the stationary bike aswell, which means todays overall intake is around 700 which is the lowest for a couple of weeks and is great because it was completely unintentional. Anyways I am off to work, hope everyones doing well :)

Happy Tuesday

5th day of being Vegan and I have never felt better! I almost feel like a normal person with my eating this week...its been such a long time! Did aerobics this morning for half an hour, and went for an hour walk, it was a beautiful day! Went food shopping with the mother so the house is stocked with loads of fruits, veggies and whole foods....excitement!

Intake for today:
Porridge with blueberries 170
Apple with almonds 175
Wholemeal wrap with tomatoes, houmous and avocado 230
Plum 30
Sugar free veggie jelly 10
Dried Apricots 60
Tofu cutlet with cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower and carrot 300
Watermelon with nuts and raisins 150


Overall 1125 minus the 300 from exercise= Happy times.

New Week off to a good start

Today has gone really well, especially as I came home from my boyfriends around lunchtime and no one was home, normally this would cue a binge, but I just feel a lot stronger in the last few days. I feel like once I get going and start eating healthily again, if I can stick to it for one day I know I can continue doing it, it's just that getting past the first day hurdle, which I have managed to do this time. Anyway onto day 4 of eating vegan and eating clean, and of no calorie restrictions and I am feeling pretty good.

Today's Intake:
Porridge with blueberries cooked into it (Pink porridge is so pretty!) 180
Peanuts and Raisins 100
Wholemeal wrap with houmous, avocado, olives and lettuce, with some mashed swede and carrot on the side 280
Apple with Cinnamon 70
Fig with blueberries 40

For dinner I made a lentil curry with red lentils, chopped tomatoes and curry powder, for some reason the portion came out absolutely tiny, I have no idea as the lentils weighed exactly the same as they always do. It was nice regardless and only 150 cals. After I had a banana and some almonds which puts me around 1100 for today, I will probably have some sugar free veggie jelly later and I am going on the stationary bike for half an hour so will burn around 200 cals. Perfect start to the new week :)

Good Weekend

Had a good day yesterday, intake was around 1300. I even cooked dinner for me and my boyfriend :)

Saturday Intake:
Porridge 135
Plum 30
Tofu 185
Lettuce 10
Watermelon 40
Peanuts and Raisins 180
Apple 80
Then I made vegan spaghetti bolognese with kidney beans which was around 650
Strawberries and sugar free veggie jelly 30

Today has gone well so far and I have done 30 minutes of cardio burning 120 cals, though I felt really drained during it, I have no idea why. I have had really bad pain in my wisdom teeth all weekend, I hope it goes away soon!

Sundays intake:
Porridge 135
Blueberries 25
Peanuts and Raisins 100
Rice Cake and Ryvita crackers 100
Houmous 50
Avocado 50
Olives 25
Lettuce 5
Tofu 100
Nectarine 60

Planning on having some sweet potato and veggies for dinner and some fruit if I get hungry during the day. Onwards to the new week :)

Successful day

Today has been great, I felt really positive when I woke up and am really committed to making my veganism stick this time! I think in the past any small slip up or failure has led to me just giving in, which has held me back.

For breakfast I made a delicious smoothie with banana, pomegranate, raspberries and soy milk. I had some almonds mid-morning. Then I had a houmous, avocado and olive wholemeal wrap for lunch with some salad. This afternoon I have had some apple with a sprinkling of cinnamon. For dinner I am having a Tofu cutlet with cabbage and sweetcorn. I will probably finish with some sugar free veggie jelly and blueberries. All in all a very good day. I did 30 mins of yoga aswell. Hope you all have great weekends.

Starting over for the final time

I am starting over tomorrow and this really will be the last time!! I'm going back to full veganism and I do not care if my boyfriend and family refuse to accept that decision anymore, I am 22 years old and I can make my own lifestyle choices and decisions.

I figured for the first few days I am not going to set any calorie targets, I am just going to eat when I am hungry and it's going to be all vegan, healthy, whole foods :)

I have a breakfast smoothie recipe which I am quite excited to make in the morning. I am so looking forward to a fresh start and to start looking good again and feeling even better, because I am sick and tired of hating myself, it is so mentally draining, it is such a viscous cycle. I have lost most of the last year of myself, stuck in this endless circle of binging, restricting, purging and ultimately putting on weight, I have put on almost 2 stone since this time last year, which is an epic failure on my behalf and I have no idea how I let it get to this stage. But anyways enough from me, cannot wait to see the numbers dropping on the scale.

Back

Fucking disaster. Epic.Fucking.Fail.
First few days went really well, probably did not eat over 1500 on any day and walked absolutely tons. Last few days have been atrocious. Not binging, just eating really large meals. Today and yesterday especially, I just gave up counting calories. bad.times.

Went back to work today, my work trousers that used to fit me fine, no longer do, depressing. To top it off one of my colleagues told me I'd put on weight in my face (yes I am aware of that, knob!) and another told me I looked healthy (clearly meant fat!). Anyways, I hope I wake up in the morning with the desire to change things and turn things around, I have about 6 weeks before a travelling reunion and I want to look like I did pre-travels.

Hope you are all doing good :)

See you guys in a week

I'm off for the week to London so I won't be blogging. Here's to a good week! Hoping to come back a couple of pounds lighter-aiming for 130! Have a great week everyone!

Change of Plans

Had another mini cereal binge groan! Going away for a week tomorrow though so no binges :) Anyway I am changing up the plan as the abc is too difficult when you are constantly around people, and I am worried about my metabolism slowing down too much. So what I am aiming to do is to alternate each day of the abc with a higher calorie day of either 800, 1000 or 1200. So starting day 4 abc tomorrow:

day 4: 400

day 5:800

day 6:100 (this is going to be difficult as I am staying with my brother)

day 7:1000

day 8:200

day 9:1200

day 10:300 (this is when I come back, hopefully manage to stick to this)

Won't be able to do much exercise when I am away but will try and walk lots

Back on it

So today has been great so far, I am feeling empty which is a good sign. I decided to stay over my boyfriends all day today (wise move after yesterdays mini binge) which is great as he never has any food in. Intake:
Oatmeal 130
Quorn sausages with lettuce 110
Sugar free veggie jelly 10
Plum 25
275 so far, plan on having cabbage soup (100) for dinner for a total of 375 and then doing some pilates when I go home later this evening to burn off 100 cals.

day 3 fail

Was going well at the start of the day, but I didn't have breakfast at my boyfriends so by the time I got home I was starving and there in the cupboard staring at me was a new bag of granola cereal and it was open! Dammit! I had a handful which was clearly an error, better off having none at all, anyway it triggered a bit of a binge, had several more bowls of cereal (unfortunately it is hugely calorific and full of sugar) which leaves me around 1800 for today already! Fail! I have burnt 200 on the bike, am going to do 45 mins of cardio which will prob burn another 150, go for a walk burning around 200 and possibly go for a run later, have to somehow salvage something out of the day.

Positives: I managed to stop the binge when I easily could have carried on!
Also I did not purge which is progress, I guess.

I'm going to start day 3 over tomorrow.

Positive

Yesterday was a really good start, my intake was 500 (i had an apple after i posted) but I didn't do any cardio in the end as I had a bit of an upset stomach.

Today has been another good day:
Oatmeal made with water and with strawberries 150
Cabbage soup 100
Sugar free veggie jelly 10
Greengages 10
Could not get out of dinner with the fam so it was larger than I would of wanted
Sweet potato, small amount of stuffing, runner beans, broccoli, parsnips (No idea how much but I guess maybe 3-400)

Burnt 200 cals on the stationary bike so I guess somewhere around the 500 mark overall. Hopefully each day that goes by I will find it easier and easier again to have less food. Tomorrow is 300 so its going to be a tough one and I will have to spread the cals during the day. Thinking positive!

Good day

Had a great day, felt really positive this morning and have managed to continue that throughout the day. This was a pretty good achievement considering I was alone in the house when I woke up this morning, usually this is a cue to binge, but not anymore!

Intake for today:
Banana 100
Rice cake 40
Ryvita cracker 40
Hummus         50
Sugar free vegetarian jelly 20
Ryvita 40
Home made cabbage soup (i have no idea how many cals, guestimate 100)
Strawberries 10

Overall 400

Went for a 3 mile walk burning 184 cals, and I am going to do either some yoga or stationary biking later.

Massive headache so I'm trying to keep the water intake up.

Onwards to day 2.

abc

going to give it a go tomorrow

Day 1: 500 calories (or less)
Day 2: 500 calories (or less)
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: Fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: Fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: Fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800 calories
32: Fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: Fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: Fast

it was going so well...

everything was going really well, I had lost 4 pounds and was feeling great after a week of being a vegan. Then I had to go out with my family for a meal (none of them know I have turned back vegan because they didnt approve last time) the veganism went and so did the being healthy, even though I wasn't by any means on an obscene amount of calories for that day. Unfortunately the last 2 days have been really bad for me, massive binge today, managed to stop myself from purging though, which I guess is a feather in the cap. I will be back on form tomorrow, ready for a new day because I am so sick of this!

I am sick of feeling like a complete failure all the time, I am sick of wallowing in hopelessness. Its time to make a change and that is going to start right now.

Long time away

Just got back from 5 months of travelling, had the best time of my life but unfortunately I have come back weighing a considerable amount more than I did. I am ashamed to even say it but I now weigh 137 pounds...horrific! In one year I have gone from 107 to 137 truly awful. Enough is enough so tomorrow I am starting a healthy eating and exercise regime, I want the control I once had back. I am excited to see the scale going down again though, thinking positive.

easter

Ugh easter!

Managed to get away with just one small lindt dark chocolate bunny, I didn't want him lying around the house though, so I demolished him today. Oh well out the way now, easter over! Hooray! Fresh start tomorrow, as it is a monday and I have 4 weeks to lose half a stone and get down to my target of 8 stone before I go travelling. Totally do-able.

Hope easter was a pain-free experience for you guys.

being ill = successful weight loss

What a week!! I have been ill since last friday with the continuation of
really bad stomach cramps, vomiting etc it has been awful. I have had several days where
I have eaten barely anything at all then the next day tried
to eat normal for it to come back worse! I had to go the doc
who said I have gastritis or food poisoning!
I feel like I may be finally getting over it, I've eaten a bit more
Today and managed to keep it down.

All in all its been a pretty horrible week, but the weight loss is definitely
Worth it!I think I've lost around half a stone in a week. Kind of feels like cheating
But it makes me more determined to carry on now. I want to lose another 3 pounds before next weekend,
It will help that I'm going away and expect there to be very little vegan food so should be a few
Low calorie days. Hope you are all doing great.

ill

Have been ill all weekend, really bad stomach pains, hopefully will have lost some weight, but one benefit has been that i have absolutely no appetite at all for the last 3 days, I have completely gone off all food...result! I am ready to start reverse 2468 tomorrow. 800 calories tomorrow, and hopefully a run if I am feeling better.

Starting 2468 tomorrow

Having a maintenance day today, and I have to go out for food with the boyfriend later, so I am starting 2468 tomorrow, cannot wait to get started on this. 5 weeks before I go away, 5 weeks to get in shape.

2468

I've had an awful day, binged really badly, I think once I had gone over the 300, it was like well it's too late, might as well completely mess the day up. Also I purged, first time in ageeeeees, really disappointed. Anyway i've been thinking and I don't think there is anyway I am going to be able to carry on ABC without my family noticing, so I am going to do 2468 instead, i'm doing it in reverse though, 800-600-400-200. Starting tomorrow.

Day 3

Wow. Day 3 was supposed to be 300 calories, I am on 1500 and it is 9.30am! Shocking. I just felt really really hungry this morning, I am back at home, whereas the last two days I have been at my boyfriends, plus my mum has just been grocery shopping, cue no control around the cereal. Anyway I am not going to eat anything else today, and I am going for a really long run, my longest I usually do is 6 miles which burns just under 600 cals, so with that I will be on 900 still massively over target, so I am just going to go out and try and run as far as I can, perhaps I will go the gym after work this evening to burn the extra. I am annoyed at myself, because I was doing really well, and I was down to 122 pounds this morning, but I'm not going to stay negative or frustrated, its a mini-setback a small blip, and I will just get back on tomorrow and work even harder.

Day 2

Going well so far... ate the same lunch as yesterday which means I am on 200 calories, got up to 300 for dinner, which will be fine. Feel ok at the moment actually, not hungry or anything which is good, filling up with water and green tea is helping with that I guess. No exercise today, the weather is too bad, so I will run tomorrow instead. Have work tonight so that will keep me occupied. ABC starts to get hard tomorrow with a drop down to 300 so I guess I will have to figure out some low calorie meals, and decide whether I want to split the calories across the day or just have one meal...hmmmm. In other news i weighed myself, 124 pounds ew, I would like to be 120 by the weekend.

Update:
Had porridge for dinner with soya milk and a banana.
Then had some sugar free jelly and one strawberry.
About 525 calories overall. I feel very empty right now :) Cant wait to see some results.

Tomorrow is going to be difficult, im thinking either two 150 cal meals, or 100 cals and then 200 cals for dinner later, Im hoping to go for a run too, so if i do that then i might allow myself a few more cals.

Day 1

Started ABC today. I went for a 3.5 mile run this morning, on completely empty :) For lunch i had soup and 2 rice cakes which makes 200 calories today so far, so i have up to 300 left for dinner, which will be fine. great start.

Update:

Just had dinner
Linda McCartney Veggie Sausages
Cabbage and Leek
Carrots
Broccoli

Altogether days intake just about dead on 500, minus the 350 from the run, makes for a very successful day :)

Back

I am back. I am really struggling still, and am lingering around 124 pounds a.k.a. fat!

I am starting ABC tomorrow, i have about 5 weeks before i go travelling, so it will be interesting to see how much i can lose.

ABC Plan:
day1: 500 calories(or less)
day2: 500 calories(or less)
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast

Have to Leave

I have to leave this blog behind me. I had one great month in January, but since then I have epically failed, I am just getting worse and worse, my binges are getting worse, I cannot be in the house alone anymore. Every time i try to start over, I last one or two days and fail, I am not getting any better, and I am not getting any thinner. Good luck to you all in your quest to be thin, I will probably continue to read your blogs, but I need to start over with a new alias and a new blog, a fresh start. I hope I can find what I am looking for.

Willpower Back

Got my willpower back...I feel fucking huge, i just got my period ugh! Which means i am not thin! My parents keep expressing constant surprise at how much food I eat, which has now spurred me on to restrict. Running is going well, stepping up to 4 miles tomorrow.

Today Sucked

So the post below happened and then I purged, and now I am eating biscuits at 11.30 at night. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Its like in public and private I am 2 different people, even my family dont see this side of me, because it only comes out when I am alone. Its getting quite embarrasing aswell. My mum will get in from work and be like wheres all the cereal? I only bnought that box yesterday! I don't pay for the food, so I am ashamed that I demolish it in the way I have in recent weeks, I really need to think about that a lot more.

Anyway, tomorrow is a fresh start, because today I realised that I cannot keep binging and purging, it is not healthy, and I do not want to get into it any further, I want to go back to the good old days of constant restriction, and I need to have structure in my life to do that, so im going to come up with some sort of structure for my weeks, so I know that I am occupied and able to control myself.

I thought of ringing my brother to tell him about all this earlier, but I think he will tell my mum and dad. I am a little scared at the moment though, scared of where I am going, scared of where this will end. I feel like its totally out of my hands at this point. Yet I think that is pretty weak of me, I am stronger than that, and I am stronger than this.


I do not need to eat this junk food, it serves no nutritional purpose, and does not benefit me in anyway. Now when I pick something up, I want to be able to look at it, and question whether it is of benefit to me, and if it isnt then have the strength to put it down.

Tomorrows Plan:

Porridge with Soy milk and blueberries 250
Lunch Carrot sticks with houmous 150
Snacks: Sugar free Jelly 10
Pineapple 50
Dinner Veggie Sausages and Vegetables 300

3 Mile Run

This is it now. If I fail this time, then I am at a loss as to what to do. This is my last chance, last oppurtunity to be thin. Because if i fall down and fail again then I am never going to get to my goals.

Eating Vegan from tomorrow. Fully Vegan. I am fed up of flaking out. Its time to make changes, and I refuse to eat animal products or anything that has come from an animal, that industry is horrific, and I want nothing to do with its continuation. I am also giving up everything with palm oil in, so have to start scrutinizing labels, and I am not eating anything high in sugar. Final New Start. Last Chance Saloon. Have to pick the right road, that is the road to being thin, not average mediocrity.

Grrrrrrrr

I am getting so fed up of this! Literally every time I am alone a binge starts...I can go a few days and then I fail again. I am really annoyed because i have wasted so much of this afternoon eating that i now dont have enough time to run before work.

The damage:
6 Plain digestives
1 Small bar of dairy milk
5 Tiny lindor eggs
A failed batch of pancakes
Some oats with golden syrup
Nutty cereal bar

I feel sickkkkkkk. not eating for the rest of the day now. Im pissed as today was supposed to be a 600 cal day. Im just fed up of starting over, making new plans and failing after 1 day. I used to have amazing willpower, I dont know where it went.

I feel like I am getting worse and worse. I think I am struggling with veganism, so I am going to start over more gradually, so this week I am giving up non-vegan cereals.

17 days with my birthday, need to lose 7 pounds by then, do-able for sure.

119 Pounds

Okay so the damage of the last few weeks cannot have been as bad as I thought (I felt like I was around 126, but this is not so bad) However, I still managed to undo all of January's hard work in getting to 113 pounds, but March is a new month and I am more determined than ever to reach my goal.

Just been for a 3 mile run, it is a lovely day, going to continue with 3 milers this week, then step it up to 4 milers by the weekend, I have only 3 weeks until my 6 mile run now! I am getting a little nervous about it, I have never run that far before.

Intake for today will be somewhere between 1000-1200. Update later.

Day 1

Intake so far:
Porridge with soy milk + half a banana : 270
Pineapple: 50

Just been for a 3 mile run burning 300 calories

I intend on combining lunch and dinner by having food mid-afternoon, thus eliminating the need for both. Going to have tofu with stir fried veg which will be under 250. Will update later.

 So in Total:
Above plus:

Tofu with Stir Fried Veg: 200
Clementines: 50
Sugar Free Jelly:10
Pomegranate:70

Overall 650. Minus the 300 from running = 350. nice.

Ready to go tomorrow

All ready to start tomorrow, aiming for my goal of 105lbs...I don't think I can face weighing myself until at least a few good days, I think I am heavier than I have been for a long long time right now, but thats about to change. So rules:

No dairy
No junk food
Nothing with Palm Oil in it
No eating after 7
Mixing calorie intake up between under 800 one day, and the next under 1200. Never over 1200.
Must exercise every day, 3 mile runs or the gym, only allowed 1 rest day a week.

New Beginning

Just realised how stupid giving up things for new year and lent really is...If I want to make changes to my life then I should just do it and have the will power to carry them through. I've had a rough month, and I feel like I am just about reaching a lowest ebb. I have no idea how much I weigh, though I feel absolutely massive and pretty fed up. I was a perfect weight in the summer and I have blown it all, but this stops now, I dont want to be massive, I dont want to be average, I want to be thin again, and the only way I am going to do that, is through fucking hard work and dedication, and I am ready to make that commitment. I have 3 weeks til my birthday, so the target will be to be under 8st7, because i have no idea how much I weigh right now, and I am too scared to even check...sick. Im feeling rubbish right now, Im too ashamed to see anyone, even my boyfriend, because I feel too massive, Im sick of shutting people out of my life because of this. Anyway, rant over. Main point is I am making changes to my life and they are starting now.

Starting over

this is getting ridiculous now, yesterday i ate like 2000 cals, massively binged on cereal and today exactly the same, yesterday i purged, today i didnt, and i feel so full and sick. im not purging today, i need to know that its not ok to do that. going to exercise lots instead today, 3 mile run and gym later i think, im fed up of having one good day and then falling down again, i want my control back.

zig-zag

Im going to try and zig zag my calories to keep my body guessing and keep my metabolism high, so one day will be under 1000 the next between 1200-1500. Hope this works.

Good Start

Had a great day today

Intake:
Rice and Buckwheat Porridge made with Soya milk: 220 cals.
Strawberries: 20
1/2 grapefruit: 40
200g Carrots: 40
Houmous: 120
Rye Crackers: 80
5 dried Apricots: 40
Green Tea
Veggie Burger: 60
Baked Beans: 100
Orange: 40
2 Clementines: 50
Handful of Carrots: 10

Overall: 820

I went for a 3 mile run burning just under 300 calories, and I have also been in work on my feet walking round for 7 hours, so overall intake is very low for today, which is great, need to keep up the good start tomorrow.

I suck

I just completely destroyed my lent with a massive binge, I had done so well for a week, im super pissed off now. Im not purging, because the last time i did it there was blood in it, so im not doing that, which means i am going to put a load of weight on after today! I was fine up until lunchtime then i made lunch and from there i just lost control, i kept going back into the kitchen to get more and more, it was gross. The attitude was well ive already fucked up might as well carry on. The binge from what i can remember included:

6 Mini Pitta's
4 Crackers
Jam
2 Rocky Biscuit Bars
2 Chewy cereal bars
1 Fruity cereal bar
3 Ginger cream biscuits
Golden Syrup
1 Slice of bread
A bowl of alpen

I think that was it. Gross. Unneccesary. For this I am starting over Lent tomorrow, I will have to do the whole week over again. Plus more rules. Now I will stick to eating 3 meals a day with one morning snack at 11 and one afternoon snack at 4. I will not be allowed to eat anything after 7. Oh also, Im not eating anything with palm oil in it, Ive just watched this panorama program on palm oil industry and it is horrific what is happening in Borneo, so I have stopped eating anything with that in.

Im so annoyed, I just feel like I am going backwards all the time. January was great but February has truly sucked. I haven't been able to exercise either, because I've been really sick since having yellow fever jab.

Tomorrow starts a new day and a new me, the goal will be 1,100 calories, No going over. Cant wait to start over.

3 days in

3 days into lent, going well. Intake has been a little high around 1500 ish. but no binges and sticking to everything, been completely vegan and no junk.

Im in work most of the day tomorrow and sunday so will try to keep my intake around 1200.

In other good news got my third blood test back today and thankfully it is all normal :)

Need to go for a run/go to the gym tomorrow, have not exercised since tuesday, as I feel all achy and tired after second travel jabs. Hopefully will have a good sleep and feel better tomorrow.

Looking forward to a good weekend of weight loss.

Lent

Right so for lent giving up:

All non-vegan food
Bread
Cake
Crisps
Biscuits
Cereal
Chocolate

Cannot wait to be thin again :)

Huge Binge

Absolutely massive binge, been eating all day...probably consumed over 5000 calories...gross. Absolutely gross. Started to purge but stopped myself. I am going to start lent early, i.e tomorrow.

So for Lent, I am giving up:

• Binging
• Purging
• Everything that is not vegan
• Cereal
• Bread
• Any cake or biscuit
• Crisps

I believe that is it. So there we go...Lent has started now. I gave up bread, cake, biscuits, crisps etc for last lent and managed to go from 8st 4 to 7st 11 so hopefully this will happen again.

Right now, I feel pretty horrible, I feel like the last two weeks have been a total disaster and I have probably put back on most of the weight I have lost. I honestly do not know where my willpower or self control have gone. Disappointing. I am going to work twice as hard from here on out.

I am going to have such a food hangover tomorrow! I deserve it, for being a fat pig.

I entered the sport relief mile earlier, I am doing the 6 miles, which is a 10k, I have never run this far before and never entered a race before, so I will be in pretty hard training to get ready for it, Ran 2 miles today, will do that for the rest of the week, and then step up an extra mile week by week, I have 5 weeks to get in good shape.

Going to start planning out my calories and meals, I refuse to go over the calorie intake.

So this week:

Sunday: (Its valentines, so have to go out for a meal, so will have low intake all day, then have some food later) 1,400
Monday: 900
Tuesday: 1200
Wednesday: 800
Thursday: 1000
Friday: 1200
Saturday:900

Plan for tomorrow:
Fresh fruit salad: Apple, Clementine, 1/2 Grapefruit. 130 Cals.
Lunch: 1/2 Bgty Soup. 60 Cals. 2 Rye Crackers 80 cals.
Snack: Carrots and houmous. Cals 130.
Dinner: (going to an indian, so will allow Tarka Daal, Small amount of rice, and some poppadoms) Prob around 1000 ish.

Here we go again.

few days off

I've fallen off the wagon, think I am going to take a few days off, allow myself whatever I want, then I am going to kick start again for lent. I am going completely vegan for lent, and I am giving up cereal, going to be hard, but I know I can do it.

Bad Week

Just got back from London, stayed with my brother. Had a good week. Consumed far too much food though. Not really bad food, just too much of it, far too many carbs.

Have no idea what I weigh, might leave it until Sunday to check, I feel pretty massive right now. Cannot wait to start exercising again now.

At the moment I feel like I want to eat like a normal person, though I know this feeling probably will not last. Right now, I feel ok, I just want to be more toned, so I'm getting on the exercising tomorrow.

Hope I haven't put on too much weight, for some reason I feel like I've put on loads, though going on my intake, I should of not put on more than a pound. Sigh.

115

115lbs today after the last few days of ill health. Have been quite bad this morning though...Im on like 1100 calories and its 8.45 in the morning, havent binged, just eaten quite calorific foods. I am off to London soon, I probably wont eat anything else today, and i am going to try and sneak a run in if i have time. See you in a few days. 

Horrendous 24 hours

What an epic 24 hours.

Overall cals yesterday was around 1600, which was fine, though I ate too much fruit. Went to work, I felt a bit poorly. Gradually as my shift went on, I felt worse and worse. I was just trying to get through my shift and get home without being sick. Managed to make it home, then was horrendously sick, I mean like projectile vomit, like the fiercest and most horrific sick I have ever had in my life. I was sick again later but managed to sleep through the night. I have no idea whether it was something I ate, or a bug or something.

This morning I had to get up super early for work, I had to pull an 8 1/2 hour shift (my type of work is that which I am on my feet all the time and constantly moving around).

All I have eaten in the last 27 hours is a banana sandwich for dinner. Fingers crossed I will have lost some weight.

It is always horrible to be sick, but I know that I usually lose weight when I am sick like this. However, I want to lose weight on my own terms and not rely on one-offs like this.

Run Forrest

Bit of a Forrest Gump moment...I just went for a walk, which suddenly turned into a run, and I ran all the way round my route. I must have looked ridiculous in jeans and converse. Pleased though, first run since mid-december, due to my health problems...It was only 2 miles but its a good start. I hope the body feels ok tomorrow.

Would be fine alone

I think my problem is that I still live with my parents, so the house is always full of food. If I lived alone I could make sure that I would only have the foods I want as I never buy bad foods.

Today is not bad, not good either. On 1350, mostly fruit actually. I just want it to be under 1600 today. I am going for a walk now.

Weetabix is my trigger

Weetabix is definitely a huge trigger for me, I cannot have it in the house any longer. Once it is gone, I am not buying it again. As much as I love it.

Lied

Lied to everyone including myself: I purged slightly this afternoon, not much because I knew my mum was coming home. I feel very frustrated with myself. Im super annoyed. I am not giving in to this, I refuse to stop here. I went 3 days, which is rubbish. I said that February is going to be good, and I still believe that. Just have to start over tomorrow. I do not want to be beaten by this. I am stronger than this. I have self-control. I have will-power. I am strong. I will be thin.

Damage

Feel sick now. I refuse to purge though. Regret all this now, but its yet again too late. February has started tres badly.

Damage:
raisins
3 weetabix
blueberries
bowl of just right cereal

1/2 grapefruit
apricot


bowl of just right
3 weetabix

2 small tangerines


this is where the binge started:


homous
mushrooms
carrot
3 weetabix
2 bowls of bran flakes
cranberries
tofu cutlet
corn on the cob
2 slices of bread (i dont even like bread)
banana
dairy free chocolate chips

Shameful.

All this amounts to somewhere around 2300 calories! Nightmare. Also i haven't even had dinner yet, and I am supposed to be cooking for my boyfriend. What a fucking nightmare.

binged.

fail.

Yesterday

Yesterday was good :D 1100 cals. Could of been under 1000, but I was starving after work so had a fair bit of fruit.

Intake:
3 Weetabix: 180
Blueberries: 20

Bowl of just right cereal: 145

3 Rye crackers: 120
Houmous: 120
Watercress: 6
Carrot Dippers: 20
Kalamata Olives: 20
Plum: 20
Small apple: 60

2 Linda McCartney Sausages: 200
Watercress: 8
Mushrooms: 30
Tomatoes:5
2 Small Clementines: 25

1/2 Pink grapefruit: 40
Apricot: 20
Carrot: 30
2 Tiny Tangerines: 20
Pickle Onions: 5
Handful of Raisins:80


Good day.

Day 2

1300 today, not bad, had two bowls of cereal this afternoon though, which was not intended, but at least I didn't binge. At the moment I am happy as long as I am binge free and under 1600 cals.

Intake:

2 Shredded Wheat:150
Blueberries:20

4 Small pieces of Veggie Sushi: 120
Roasted red pepper houmous: 180
Carrot dippers: 40

2 Bowls of Just Right Cereal: 300 (Annoyed at this, was unneccessary)

Tangerine:15
Grissini Breadstick: 30
Pickled Onions: 15
Plum:15

Tofu: 120
Stir Fried Veg: 100
Stir Fry Sauce: 25

Kalamata Olives: 25
Green Tea: 1
Clementine: 20

1300 Cals.

Good day. Except the cereal.Obv.

Day 1

Good day today....In fact it could of been a lot better, but I will settle for 1100 calories.

No exercise yet as I am still recovering, I just hope that day by day I am feeling better.  Worked for 8 hours though, constantly moving on my feet.

Weighed myself this morning, still 116 post binge, which means I probably weighed less than that pre-binge :( Bad times.

Oh well, I am back on top of things now, February is going to be a great month, fully vegan and no binges :)

Todays Intake:             

2 Weetabix  : 120 Cals.
Raisins        :  45
Apple          :  80

Tofu Cutlet          :    260
Lettuce                :    8
Rye Crackers       :   80
Mango Chutney   :   30
Marmalade           :   40
Pickled Onions     :   3
Grissini Breadstick : 20

Green Tea : 1

Tomato and lentil soup :  80
2 Tangerines                 : 30
Cherry Tomatoes          :  6
Celery                           :  3
Carrot Batons                : 11
Roasted Red Pepper Houmous : 253 (Didn't intend on having this at all, so bit of a slip up)
2 Kalamata Olives       :5

Total:1100


Success.

Damage Done

Possibly just had the worst ever binge of my life, im not even sure why it happened, I think i'm just fed up of being ill, not being able to exercise, and anxious about whether there is anything wrong with me.

Binge Intake: 375g of maple pecan crisp cereal (NOT VEGAN!) pretty much the whole box!
2 bowls of cornflakes, maybe even 3...memory is hazy
4 shredded wheat
a ton of soy milk

Absolutely disgusting. The whole time I continued to eat, I told myself I would not purge, then I felt so gross, I had to, but after attempting to purge I stopped myself. I took a step back and looked at myself. Head over toilet bowl. I felt so ashamed. I don't want this to be my life. I will not let it be my life. Its beginning to happen far too often. I refuse to ever purge again ( i realise i have said this around 5 times in the last month). I will weigh myself tomorrow, so I can learn the damage of the binge, and hopefully that will encourage me not to do it again.

Im sick of failing. February is not off to a good start. So I want to go for the rest of the month with no more binges, anybody with me? I have a week til im going away and I want to be 8st 2. Do-able...I hope today hasn't derailed it too much.

I'm going to start posting my daily intake on here now, hopefully it will encourage me to stay on track with restricting again.

I definitely won't be eating again until at least tomorrow morning.

Scared

Just got my repeated blood test results back, my white blood cell count was low again (though I somewhat expected this, as I haven't been very well since the test) and I have to go back to repeat it for a third time when I am feeling better (still feel mega drained from being ill over the last few weeks)

I have no idea whats going on, I'm shit scared, and I am driving myself completely insane by looking up about low wbc on the net (I know I shouldn't do it!) .I feel completely and totally lost now.

BMI back under 20

Its weigh-in day. My bmi is finally back under 20, it has been a while actually...I think I haven't been this weight since the end of october, so this is a step in the right direction :)

8st 4 is a significant weight for me, as it is a weight I plateaued at for around a year some time ago. Whatever I tried I could not get below this weight, I was totally stuck there. This time I am going to work my ass off to get under it. There will be no sticking at 8st 4 thank you very much.

Next goal: 8st 2, for two weeks from now.

Negativity Over

Ugh I just browsed through my last few posts...what a plethora of negativity/self-pitying/ranting/self-loathing etc. Shocking. So from here on out this blog will be a happy place, where I record my triumphs because there will be no more disasters.

Overall January has been very good, I have binged about 4 days of the month, and purged twice :(

I have lost half a stone, which i'm pretty fucking pleased with.

So i'm going to stop moping and being miserable, as this month has been a fucking success, and I am ready to kick February's arse now aswell.

With 4 days left in January I want to be under 8st 4 for the 1st of Feb.

I wanna have control...

Right fucked up for the final time. Huge binge. Then purged. I hate this. I hate myself.

I am no longer living, I am in a state of simply existing. My eating disorder has taken over my life, and every day has become a constant struggle. I don't want to live life like this, I want to enjoy every second of life, but this constant battle with myself has taken over. My life is a misery. The only way out of this is to become thin.

New Rules:
1. Only Vegan Food
2. No junk food i.e high in fat/sugar
3. No purging
4. Only eat when hungry
5. Drink water if hungry and wait 30 mins to see if hunger subsides
6. No eating after 7
7. Anything I eat that breaks these rules will go on the banned list, and I won't be allowed them at all.

Banned List.

• Biscuits
• Alpen
• Special K
• Oatcakes
• Marmalade
• Jam
• Cereal Bars

The aim is to only eat when hungry, to try and eat like a normal person, rather than either eating nothing at all or stuffing my face.

I am fed up of every day being a failure. I am starting now, and I will not fail. I will be thin.

Missing in Action

My Self Control is M.I.A, if anyone has seen it, could they please return it to me.

I'm fed up of falling down now. I was 8st 5 this morning, I won't be staying there!

Today binge....Big cereal binge, I ate 9 weetabix, 2 bowls of alpen and a bowl of special k (NOT VEGAN!) Total complete Fail. I refuse to purge this time, as I don't want to let myself feel like I can get away with this, I need to see the damage and the effects so I won't do it again.

Cereal is the only real binge trigger food for me, and I really don't feel like I can have it in the house anymore, as much as I love it. Anyway I'm on around 1300 cals so far ! eek! I have to have dinner later aswell, so I'm going to do lots of exercise this afternoon, If i can get my overall intake to be under 1600 I'll be reasonably pleased.

Total fail day. I have only have 2 weeks left before I meet up with my uni friends, and I need to lose 5 pounds, so I'm going to have to work much harder.

Fail.

1600 calories for today was fine...2100 is not....epic fail....not even a binge...just randomly picking at stuff, this always happens when I work in the day, when I come home later.

At least it was not anything I would classify as bad food, it was just high calorie food: houmous, almonds, apricots etc....grrrr.

I'm starting over tomorrow, I feel like the cupboards are bare enough for me to be able to succeed (I seem to always find something else!) But not this time, I will not fail.

This last week has really set me back.

I need to be 8st by the 11th February, I am meeting up with uni friends and I do not want them to see me like this.

So, starting now...back to restricting. I hate food. Tomorrow I have to have dinner with the boyfriend which will be around 4-500 cals, so I'm going to try and get under 800. Wish me luck.

Tough Week

This weeks been really tough...The illness of last week developed in the worst cold I have ever had in my life, unfortunately I have had to work every single day, and could not call in sick....so I haven't been able to rest up as I would have liked....Working 10 hour shifts, standing on my feet all day, means I have been consuming a fair amount of calories...I come home at lunch and when I finish and I am just so hungry.

Haven't done any exercise since Tuesday as I feel like shit.

Intake has been ok: 1300 weds and thurs and 1600 ish today, not bad...though I thought that as I was ill it would kill my appetite and I would not eat much but it seems to have worked the opposite way. Oh well, tomorrow is a new day, and I will hopefully feel better, and start again.

Right now I feel huge...
I have no idea what I weigh...
This terrifies me.

disaster

Absolute fucking disaster. I purged, now I am a complete and total mess.

That was my first proper binge since well before christmas, I am so disappointed.

I cannot believe it came on by just being in the house alone, how weak am I.

I broked my veganism as well which had been going so well all week, just so I could stuff my face withe cereal, which frankly doesnt even taste that nice.

I have now blown my boyfriend off aswell, we had plans, but instead I'm sat here alone purging and now going to do a crazy amount of exercise to burn off the damage.

I feel really shitty, actually I am really shitty, I am a terrible person, I have lied to him for the millionth time and I cannot do it anymore, I cannot do this anymore.

I fucking hate purging, its disgusting, its terrible for your health, and I refuse to ever do it again.

This is an epic fail, it has reminded me how much of a failure I am and at the end of the day what is the result....I am alone....If this continues I will end up alone, there's only so much of my shit that people can take, this must stop now. Sorry, self-pitying rant over.

fuck

it continued, im onto branflakes now (definitely not vegan aswell wtf) i cannot stop, i think im going to have to purge.......fuuuuuuuuuuck

binge

just binged on weetabix, intake for today is 1600 ugh! I was home alone, i'm never alone at night usually, thankfully....this week has been shitty, starting afresh tomorrow.

Fucks sake

1600 calories....Not happy at all....No exercise....Super disappointing.

I hate this feeling. When I stop and realise what I have consumed and it is too fucking late, the damage is done. Now I have to wait until tomorrow to make it up. So annoying, I cannot will not keep failing like this.

I will use the last few days as say a rest period or a short break, designed to keep my metabolism high, hopefully now when I drop back into eating under 1000 again (from tomorrow!!) my weight will continue to fall instead of platueaing.

I need to exercise so badly, but my body is telling me its too soon after being ill, maybe I will just do half an hour on the wii fit or something..

I have just had travel jabs. I am going to south america in April so I thought I better get them started, now my arms hurt...ow!

Anyway, tomorrow will be better, because I refuse to settle at this weight.

 I will be thin.
I will be thin.
I will be thin.

Down days

I've struggled with my intake the last few days, it has not been especially high: between 1100-1400 the last 3 days. I just have not managed to do any exercise at all, so I am feeling kind of sluggish.

I am really not feeling fantastic after being ill, it has taken its toll big time, I just feel completely wiped out at the moment. Hopefully as the week progresses I will be able to get back to doing some light exercise.

Weighed myself this morning, still at 118lbs which is fine because I think my intake has been too high and I have not been burning off as much as I would like.

Some days I don't hate myself every waking second of the day, sometimes I feel actually maybe I don't look so bad at this weight...I've just felt a bit low the last few days...I feel absolutely huge...I just find it hard to do anything or be around people at all when i feel like that...

I think I am going out for a meal with the boyfriend for lunch tomorrow (great! Calories), hopefully I will just eat half of it, and then I won't eat for the rest of the day, I want to keep my intake under 1000.

Another pound down.

Weighed myself this morning and I was 118 pounds, lost another pound...glad to be back under 8 and a half stone.

I do not think I am going to weigh for the rest of the week though, as I am on my period (2 months in a row, wow!) and I know sometimes this can affect body weight, something to do with water retention, so I will probably wait until it is over to weigh next.

Anyway I am gradually incorporating more foods back into my diet. I had some weetabix, soy milk and strawberries this morning, so I will see how the body reacts to that.

I am pleased with my progress so far, lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks, and hopefully I can keep it up.

Next goal is 116 pounds, which was my maintence weight for probably about a year or so. No matter how hard I tried I could never get under that weight, until I got sick and managed to drop below that finally. Anyway this time around I hope i do not plateau.

I think its important to keep mixing up routine, with different amounts of calories and exercises just to keep the metabolism high.

Oh and thanks for following me, I really enjoy all of your blogs.
Think thin.

Fast

24 hour fast is over. Had to be done, I have felt awful the last week, so hopefully I have killed the bug off.

This evenings intake will be pretty low aiming for something around 300 cals. Originally I was not going to eat until tomorrow morning, but I figured 24 hours was enough, plus I am feeling incredibly weak now.

I honestly do not know if I could fast regularly...I've found it alright this past 24 hours, as I have spent most of the time in bed feeling awful. I do not think I could actually go about my normal daily life if I was fasting though.

Hopefully the illness will now be defeated, and I can get back into exercising again, right now I am far too weak to do anything.

I am going to gradually increase my food intake and the types of food I am taking in over the next few days. For today and probably tomorrow I am sticking to BRAT (Bananas, rice, apple, toast) apparently these are good for getting over a tummy bug, and then I will start to increase the variety of food by the weekend. Hopefully will have lost another pound by then.

Hooray for being ill

Went over again! Around 1600 cals. fail. I guess would be around 1400 with the walking I did this morning, which is way too high. Went into work, felt awful and had to leave early, think I have a bug or a virus, anyway I'm fasting tomorrow to try and kill it off as its been lingering since Saturday now. Serves me right for going over my intake, hopefully will lose some weight too.

119lbs

Definitely under 120lbs hooray! Weighed again this morning and I am at 8st7 which I'm quite pleased with.

Had to go to the doctors this morning to get blood test results back (the history here being that I didn't have a period in 6 months, however, since having the blood tests I have had a period), but I had to walk as the snow is so bad, it took me an hour and a half to get there and back, I've never seen the snow this bad... Anyway all my blood tests were normal except my white blood cell count so I had to have it done again...Stupidly I didn't have breakfast before I went and I came home and have been absolutely famished the whole morning.

Cals. at 650 at the moment after lunch, so aiming for under 1000, burnt off 250 with the walking aswell :) I'm feeling pretty strong today, hope it stays that way.

Struggling

I've felt like I am struggling for the last few days now, weight is down to 8 and a half stone (119 lbs) and I feel like I've kind of settle there and started eating too much again.

Sunday was 900 cals. (fine), yesterday I had to have dinner with the boyfriend so it was around 1300 and today has been a bit of a fail, due to mixed fruit and nut!! Error buying that! Prob around 1600.ish, which is awful, and highest intake since before I started the health kick, really disappointed.

Snow has been awful again today, had to walk home from work which took around 50 mins, at least would have burnt some calories.

Back to hard work again tomorrow I think, I will not settle for 8st7lb. I must be thin.

Dammit

I weighed myself again today, it is almost like its completely unconscious, I'm not even aware I'm doing it, and then its too late. This is really ridiculous, I cannot even go a day without stepping on the scales. I am trying, really I am, but I just feel massively out of control when I don't weigh myself.

Today has been successful, around 800-900 calories, did not do any exercise though, as I'm still feeling a bit under the weather after yesterday, must have a bug of some sort. Was on my feet in work for 6 hours though, so hopefully burnt a little bit. I'm feeling really shattered tonight, my bed is calling...

Caved

I gave in, had to weigh myself! After my mini-binge I am 120lbs, which is another pound lost, and so close to the teens :) I'm pleased with, but it could of been even better had I not had that setback this morning.  I think i'm going to try and weigh myself every other day, instead of once a week, its just too hard at first.

Just went for a long walk and about 5 minutes from home started to feel really unwell, came back and have really bad cramps and was really sick, don't know if this is food related or a bug of some sort. Anyway I shan't be eating for the rest of the day because of it. This will leave me around just over 1000 cals. minus the walking leaves me at around 850 not bad all things considered.

Fuck

Yeah so that last post went really well! Lasted about 10 mins and i've had a bit of a mini-binge, its not been atrocious, but still really disappointed because of my progress. Also I ate some cake....Fail! I'm pretty sure it wasn't vegan as well, I'm absolutely furious with myself. My calories are around 1000 so I'm pissed off. Going for a long walk...

This is the real test

So my brother has just left to go back to uni, this for me is I think what triggered my binge eating over the past few months. Once he came back for Christmas, in the past 3 weeks, I have not binged at all.

As he is away, I am on my own in the house a lot more, meaning boredom and also no-one around to watch me. However, now I am going to try and turn this on its head, as a positive, and think that if there is no-one around, then there will be no-one to keep track of how little I am eating and question me about it.

I will miss him terribly, but hopefully I will not get into bad habits now that he has gone.

One week down...

So it has been a week since I turned Vegan and a week since I cut out bad food (cake, bsicuits, crisps etc) and to be honest it has been a pretty good week, after the hellish weeks of the past few months.

My average calorie intake has been 1000, which is a little high, but for the first week I can deal with that, I'll try and get it down to around 800 this week.

I've done pretty well with my veganism, I had one day when I really struggled and felt exhausted, but I've felt fine mostly, and have stuck to it really well on the whole. I have to go food shopping and stock up on vegan food though. I'm finding it difficult because I live with my mum and dad, and they've always been very accepting of my vegetarianism, but I have yet to tell them about turning vegan, I feel I will get a very negative response.

Ive exercised for at least half an hour every day, mostly wii fit as due to the snow and ice it is to dangerous to walk, let alone run anywhere, so I'm burning off around 100 cals. a day. I would like this to be higher, and once I can commence running again, it will be, although the bad weather apparently is set to last for another 6 weeks! Britain will be at an utter stand still by that point.

I'm attempting to give up weighing myself everyday, and finding it very hard, I really want to step on the scales, but I know it's for the best if I don't...Anyway week 1 down, onto a successful week 2.

Must Stop Weighing Myself Several times a day

Right, I have had enough, I cannot take continuously looking at the scales and seeing the same weight.

I am giving up my love affair with the scales, and I refuse to use them any more than once a week.

This is going to be extremely difficult for me as I am usually on them several times daily, so I'm just going to take it one day at a time, and avoid them, as I feel like they are really holding me back.

Goodbye scales, see you on the 13th.

Exhausted and hungry

Today has been pretty naff. I had a rubbish sleep, didn't actually go to sleep until long after 2am then woke up several times, at 6ish I could not get back to sleep, so I've just had a major headache and felt really sluggish all day.

The long awaited snow has arrived, so Britain has inevitably ground to a halt. I made the most of it, and made a snowman (I felt like such a kid again, we haven't had snow this deep since I was in primary school) and I hiked up the hill near to where I live, it was a bit treacherous but the views were stunning from the top.

I was trying really hard to make this another day of under 1000 calories, but i've just felt really hungry all day today, no matter what I have eaten or how much water I have drunk, I still feel absolutely starving. Im at around 1200 ish and I have yet to have dinner, so I'm going to make this a maintanence day, hopefully it will kick-start my metabolism, and I will aim to be under 1600 calories which I think I can manage.

I'm a bit disappointed because I've been doing really well, so I feel a bit of a failure today, but i'll just use this as a maintenance day and hopefully feel better tomorrow. As a side note, I haven't eaten anything really bad today just olives, nuts, and houmous have really racked up the calories....annoyed.

What about a maintenance day?

Very good day again, around 1000 cals. have been doing some cardio and also cleaned my boyfriends flat this morning, so put it around 850 probably. Also have been on my feet in work for 7 hours, so that should help too.

I was just wondering about your guys opinions on having a high cal day maybe once a week, just to keep my metabolism going? Thoughts/Opinions on this?

If my maintenance is 1600 calories should I have a day where I eat that amount say once a week? 1600 at the  moment seems to me like a scary amount of food. Right now I'm feeling like 1000ish is a massive amount, so I'm not sure whether I could manage 1600. It makes me feel really ill when I think about all the days over the last few months where I have sky-rocketed over that 1600 cals., absolutely gross.

I want to keep my metabolism going and in the long run perhaps having a maintenance day would pay off, but at the same time, I am positively terrified of consuming that amount of calories.

Home Alone

My parents went back to work today after the Christmas break and my brother has been out most of the day, so I have been in the house on my own all afternoon, and I am pretty pleased with how I got on.

Usually everyone leaving would be a cue for me to binge (usually on huge quantities of cereal), and I was a bit worried how today would go, as its the first day I've been in the house alone since before christmas, but it has turned out fine, and I'm really proud of myself.

Total intake for today after dinner is around 900 cals. but I have been on the wii fit and been for a 3 mile walk so my total cals today would be somewhere around 600, which I'm really pleased with, considering I was left alone. Finally, I feel like I can move on from the binging. I feel like with each day that passes without me doing it, I will not only be closer to my goal, but also there will be less and less chance that I will turn back to binging.

2lbs lighter

Just got off the wii fit, and it informs me that I have lost 2lbs, which was that was my aim for about a week and a half from now, so I am really pleased. I am down to 8st 9 (121 lbs), so the next target is to be 8st 7 within the next two weeks, which was always a pivotal weight for me.

When I was at my lowest weight, I always thought of 8st 7 as my upper boundary, that if I reached that point, enough would be enough and I wouldn't gain any more, however I sadly let myself go way over that this summer. It's sad really, and in fact I am pretty furious with myself, because it took a huge amount of work to get down to 109 lbs and now I'm having to put all that hard work in again, but at least when i reach my goal of 105 I'll know that i've worked bloody hard to get there, and all the hard work will have payed off.

After going through all the effort to lose the weight for a second time, I can't really see myself being too eager to jump back into old habits, so hopefully I will be able to maintain at this lower weight.

Success

Great day today, at 694 cals. after dinner, so that should be it for today, which i'm really pleased with. I've been in work all afternoon so that made it easier to control cals. I have been on the wii fit today aswell, so overall a very positive day. Hopefully can keep it up tomorrow.

Mini-Fail

Yesterday went well, I managed to avoid the cheesecake, and my overall cals. were around 1000 which I was pleased with considering it must have been massively higher than this the previous 2 weeks thanks to Christmas.

Today was going really well I was on 700 cals. for the day, however I had a bit of a mini-crisis when my friend in work, who is a vegan, brought me some vegan cookies and a vegan muffin that his mum had made for me. The gesture was extremely sweet, but sort of ruined my restricting for today as I failed and  ate them all :( I figured this didnt push my calories up to a massive high amount, prob around 1300 I guess, also I've been on my feet constantly moving in work for 8 hours so I figure that must have burnt off a little bit as well. At least the cakes are gone now, and they didn't trigger an all out binge which was good. However, if I was at home at the time, I definitely would have purged, being in work stopped me, which i'm glad about, because i bloody hate purging.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a pretty low cal day and I'm going to try and get some exercise in too, I think its still too icy to start running again, so I think I'll probably spend some time on the wii fit.

I shall resist the cheesecake

My mum has made an absolutely massive homemade cranberry and pecan cheesecake, and I won't be having any of it :) I feel like something has really clicked in me today, and like I have my old willpower and strength to resist back, I know that as soon as I complete one day of restricting, I will be strong enough to continue it right through, and be patient enough to wait to see results.

New Year, New Start

Happy New Year's everyone. 2010 has brought a fresh start, and I am really excited to start on a new journey. Today has gone well so far, only had some weetabix and soy milk, my family are having a big dinner later, so im going to have to get out of this somehow. Probably going to go for a run or walk this afternoon, its a beautiful day.