This is my 100th post and it will be my last for a while...I have blogged since January and I feel like I am stuck in a rut and I need to get out of it. I am going back to eating only vegan wholefoods, no packaged, processed shit anymore, no more binges, no more non-vegan shit, I don't want that in my life. No more calorie counting, or incessant weighing of food and myself.
I have had 4 years of hell thanks to this disease and I cannot face it anymore. I can't face counting any more calories, fat and sugar content. I know the calorific content of every single food and it rules my day to day life, constantly adding up numbers, numbers, numbers. I can't face getting on the scales every single day, and the rest of my day depending on their outcome, I am not a number, I am so much more than that, and I can't be defined by it anymore.
I have lost countless friends thanks to the strict rituals I have relied upon over the last 4 years of my life, but I have also had countless friends who have stuck by me, through incredibly low times, especially last summer. I can't begin to imagine the pain and suffering that they felt and what they went through because of what I was doing to myself. Countless tear's and nights were spent consoling me and telling me everything would be ok. I just want to be thin-I cried, "I can see your spine" was their reply. I remember turning up to my university ball and my friends boyfriend asking my best friend where I was-referring to the fact that I had completely dissappeard.That's not health, that's not happiness. It's a sick obsession.
Even at my lowest weight, it was never enough, it is never enough, the number you want to attain or the image of yourself you see will never be enough. I have been through years of struggling with my body image, there have been ups, there were fer times when I did feel good about myself, but on the whole there have been so many low's, I have been left with a completely shattered self-confidence, and a lack of any sort of self-esteem. I was no happier at 109 pounds than I am here today at 132.
I have missed out on so much, declining invites to go out because I was worried about calories, declining food at friends and families houses, eating only my safe foods or not eating at all. Not going out because I was worried about alcohol calories. Staying in to exercise instead of seeing my boyfriend. I have lived such a strict, regimented lifestyle for so long, that it is no wonder my body has rebelled and completely betrayed me this past year.
I can't live like this anymore, so here is to a new start, a fresh me, I am only eating healthy vegan whole foods, but I am not calorie counting, I will listen to my body for once, and try to nourish it as best I can. I need this. I want to feel alive again. I want to be me again.
Thanks for following, I will try to keep up with your blogs and maybe check in from time to time. But for now I just need to get away.
I just want to be normal for a while, I don't know how I even begin to go about that, how to function like a normal person, it has been too long but the journey starts here.