Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Today Sucked

So the post below happened and then I purged, and now I am eating biscuits at 11.30 at night. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Its like in public and private I am 2 different people, even my family dont see this side of me, because it only comes out when I am alone. Its getting quite embarrasing aswell. My mum will get in from work and be like wheres all the cereal? I only bnought that box yesterday! I don't pay for the food, so I am ashamed that I demolish it in the way I have in recent weeks, I really need to think about that a lot more.

Anyway, tomorrow is a fresh start, because today I realised that I cannot keep binging and purging, it is not healthy, and I do not want to get into it any further, I want to go back to the good old days of constant restriction, and I need to have structure in my life to do that, so im going to come up with some sort of structure for my weeks, so I know that I am occupied and able to control myself.

I thought of ringing my brother to tell him about all this earlier, but I think he will tell my mum and dad. I am a little scared at the moment though, scared of where I am going, scared of where this will end. I feel like its totally out of my hands at this point. Yet I think that is pretty weak of me, I am stronger than that, and I am stronger than this.

I do not need to eat this junk food, it serves no nutritional purpose, and does not benefit me in anyway. Now when I pick something up, I want to be able to look at it, and question whether it is of benefit to me, and if it isnt then have the strength to put it down.

Tomorrows Plan:

Porridge with Soy milk and blueberries 250
Lunch Carrot sticks with houmous 150
Snacks: Sugar free Jelly 10
Pineapple 50
Dinner Veggie Sausages and Vegetables 300

3 Mile Run

This is it now. If I fail this time, then I am at a loss as to what to do. This is my last chance, last oppurtunity to be thin. Because if i fall down and fail again then I am never going to get to my goals.

Eating Vegan from tomorrow. Fully Vegan. I am fed up of flaking out. Its time to make changes, and I refuse to eat animal products or anything that has come from an animal, that industry is horrific, and I want nothing to do with its continuation. I am also giving up everything with palm oil in, so have to start scrutinizing labels, and I am not eating anything high in sugar. Final New Start. Last Chance Saloon. Have to pick the right road, that is the road to being thin, not average mediocrity.

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