I binged today and I purged. First time I have purged in about a month and a half, I'm disappointed. I knew it was coming though, yesterday was a minor blip, but today was a fucking disaster of epic proportions. I'm completely ashamed to post my intake on here, but I think I will to show how horrendous it was:
Porridge with soya milk
Small carrot with houmous
Binge kicks in at lunch time
3 bowls of fruit and fibre
Wholemeal wrap with houmous and tofu
2 enormous bowls of alpen (which is a total fail, as its the first non-vegan thing I have eaten for 2 weeks, disgusting!)
Sugar free jelly
All in all about 2600 cals, absolute fucking disaster. Plus I look like a complete fucking mess as I purged. I don't want this any more, life was so much easier last year, when I effortlessly didn't eat and was thin and didn't have cravings, oh why oh why did I choose to reintroduce foods, it has ruined everything.
There is nothing worse than the absolute guilt and shame I felt with my head over the toilet. I knew I was going to purge after the first bowl of alpen, so I went back for more obv. It was just a place I didn't think I'd see again, I thought I had gone past that, past the tear stained cheeks, burst blood vessels, puffy face and red knuckles. I don't want this.
I don't know whats going on in my head, I don't know where my self control want, I don't know where these urges come from, it's just really frustrating because it puts all the progress back to square one.
I am totally rambling so I apologize. I am just at a loss right now.
I think I just need to eat minimally for a few days, I know I am going to feel horrible after consuming so much. I am at my boyfriends all weekend, so am going to aim for 3 days, as low cals as possible, and reassess where I am at on Monday. I will be in a more positive place then I know it.