Thursday, 28 October 2010

What a fuck up!

I binged today and I purged. First time I have purged in about a month and a half, I'm disappointed. I knew it was coming though, yesterday was a minor blip, but today was a fucking disaster of epic proportions. I'm completely ashamed to post my intake on here, but I think I will to show how horrendous it was:

Porridge with soya milk
1/2 Grapefruit
Small carrot with houmous
Binge kicks in at lunch time
3 bowls of fruit and fibre
Wholemeal wrap with houmous and tofu
2 enormous bowls of alpen (which is a total fail, as its the first non-vegan thing I have eaten for 2 weeks, disgusting!)
Lentil soup
Sugar free jelly

All in all about 2600 cals, absolute fucking disaster. Plus I look like a complete fucking mess as I purged. I don't want this any more, life was so much easier last year, when I effortlessly didn't eat and was thin and didn't have cravings, oh why oh why did I choose to reintroduce foods, it has ruined everything.

There is nothing worse than the absolute guilt and shame I felt with my head over the toilet. I knew I was going to purge after the first bowl of alpen, so I went back for more obv. It was just a place I didn't think I'd see again, I thought I had gone past that, past the tear stained cheeks, burst blood vessels, puffy face and red knuckles. I don't want this.

I don't know whats going on in my head, I don't know where my self control want, I don't know where these urges come from, it's just really frustrating because it puts all the progress back to square one.

I am totally rambling so I apologize. I am just at a loss right now.

I think I just need to eat minimally for a few days, I know I am going to feel horrible after consuming so much. I am at my boyfriends all weekend, so am going to aim for 3 days, as low cals as possible, and reassess where I am at on Monday. I will be in a more positive place then I know it.


  1. don't let one fuck up ruin all your progress!
    Stay strong and get straight back on the wagon tomorrow.
    After a few more good days you will feel so much better and today won't matter. xxx

  2. oh no :( I'm so sorry to hear you're having a hard time. On the up side least it was all healthy food? It could have been worse. I don't know what alpen is- I'm guessing a cereal? Its would have still been veg at least. Try not to be too hard on yourself, if you can leave it in the past and find some positive in the fact that you have the power to change today, you can have some nice fruit and veg and get everything feeling right again. Don't give up! xxx

  3. it's tough but tomorrow will come and it's up to you to make it better. i know you can :) it's just a small bump in the can do it xx