Reasonable

Today has been ok, I slept in late so ideally would of liked to have had less calories but alas. I did 30 mins upper body workout burning nearly 100 cals. I have to go out for dinner as my boyfriend complains that we dont go out to eat much, and the last time we went was, shock horror, 2 weeks ago!! I just don't like to not be in control of how food is cooked, and not be able to judge the calories, also it is difficult to find vegan food. Anyways we are going to GBK and I am having the butternut squash salad without the cheese and dressing. Have no idea how many cals to count for it though!

Intake:
Lentil soup
Sugar free jelly
2 bowls of rice krispies (evil)
peanuts and raisins
apple
bowl of kale
Around 700, ideally that would be it, but I have to go out for dinner, I am not even hungry! grrr.

Back on the wagon

I apologize for yesterdays rant, I was in a bad place and not feeling great but I feel a lot more positive today. Have kept the calories low to make up for yest. Intake:

Porridge with soy milk
Grapefruit
Houmous with celery
Homemade lentil and red pepper soup
Strawberries and blueberries
Tofu with kale
Around 700 and I am done for the day, I feel so much better today, I just don't know what happened yesterday, or where those feelings come from, I have to figure it out I suppose. Have great weekends.

What a fuck up!

I binged today and I purged. First time I have purged in about a month and a half, I'm disappointed. I knew it was coming though, yesterday was a minor blip, but today was a fucking disaster of epic proportions. I'm completely ashamed to post my intake on here, but I think I will to show how horrendous it was:

Porridge with soya milk
1/2 Grapefruit
Small carrot with houmous
Binge kicks in at lunch time
3 bowls of fruit and fibre
Apple
Peanuts
Grapes
Wholemeal wrap with houmous and tofu
2 enormous bowls of alpen (which is a total fail, as its the first non-vegan thing I have eaten for 2 weeks, disgusting!)
Banana
Lentil soup
Strawberries
Pomegranate
Sugar free jelly
Prunes
Fail.

All in all about 2600 cals, absolute fucking disaster. Plus I look like a complete fucking mess as I purged. I don't want this any more, life was so much easier last year, when I effortlessly didn't eat and was thin and didn't have cravings, oh why oh why did I choose to reintroduce foods, it has ruined everything.

There is nothing worse than the absolute guilt and shame I felt with my head over the toilet. I knew I was going to purge after the first bowl of alpen, so I went back for more obv. It was just a place I didn't think I'd see again, I thought I had gone past that, past the tear stained cheeks, burst blood vessels, puffy face and red knuckles. I don't want this.

I don't know whats going on in my head, I don't know where my self control want, I don't know where these urges come from, it's just really frustrating because it puts all the progress back to square one.

I am totally rambling so I apologize. I am just at a loss right now.

I think I just need to eat minimally for a few days, I know I am going to feel horrible after consuming so much. I am at my boyfriends all weekend, so am going to aim for 3 days, as low cals as possible, and reassess where I am at on Monday. I will be in a more positive place then I know it.

Quick update

Intake yesterday was good 1100. Mini disaster this morning but I came through it, just about. I came home from my boyfriends to find my mum had been food shopping and she had bought a cereal that is vegan fruit and fibre, goddammit! I knew I wouldn't be able to resist so said to myself I would have a big bowl for lunch, it is never enough though! I ended up having about 4 bowls and now my cals for the day are 1250 disastrous! However I am going to go on the stationary bike for an hour so hopefully will manage to get it under 1000, not so disastrous. It wasn't bad as binges of old would not have stopped there, and im still hugely under the 1700 I should be eating everyday, so its not the end of the world, I'll just make up for it tomorrow. I still have my period, and I feel gross!

New week

Onto day 11 of healthy eating, intake was a little higher than normal on the weekend but that was to be expected considering I was going out with friends drinking etc. Yesterday was 1350 and today 1150 which is great, I've done a 45 minute lower body workout which felt great aswell. I had a real craving for cereal this afternoon, first time in nearly 2 weeks which is good considering how obsessed with it I was, anyway there was not any vegan cereal in the house except a mini pack of nesquik (which I don't even like!) so I had that, it did satisfy the craving and I am happy with how the rest of the day went. It's the first unhealthy thing I have eaten in ages but I am glad it did not seem to trigger anything.

Today's Intake:
Porridge with peanuts and raisins 250
Wholemeal wrap with houmous, lettuce and tofu 300
Pineapple 50
Nesquik with soya milk 130
Banana with peanuts 150
Orange 60
Tomato and Basil soup 130
Apple 70

Done for the day. I start my new job tomorrow :) I am working 2 currently as I am completely broke post-travels. Working all day which is a good thing as I will better be able to control my intake in the day, just eating what I take with me, and it will keep me occupied and not thinking about food!

I took some measurements today for the first time since before I went travelling when I was a lot smaller, it was slightly depressing but at least I am heading in the right direction.

Bicep: 11 Inches
Chest: 34
Waist: 27 (most depressing as it was 23 before!)
Hips:37
Thigh: 22
Neck : 11

Will be good to see these numbers decrease the next time I check.

131lbs

I have no idea how that happened, especially as I went out on a pretty heavy night out last night...maybe its just de-hydration or the fact that I haven't eaten anything in around 20 hours...Also I just got my period so i definitely did not expect to be down by so much...I won't weigh until after my period is over now and hopefully I will be back in the 120's by then...so exciting.

Anyways I had a great night with my best friends, really suffering for it now though, evil hangover, I wish I had been sick when I felt awful before bed last night, it would have sorted out today's hangover! Ugh! Today is going to be a total write off.

Intake was pretty good yesterday, aside from the alcohol it was around 1200. Hangover days are never good for me food-wise, I always need to eat a lot to soak up the monstrous hangover. So far I have had around 700 cals, and I am having veggies for dinner so should keep it under 1200, then back on it tomorrow with exercise to get into the 120's :)

Intake:
Quinoa
Tofu
Lettuce
Houmous
Olives
Banana
Peanuts

First week down

So the first week went really well, I've felt great throughout the week, eating vegan and only whole foods is having a huge impact on how I feel both physically and mentally. Intake for day 8 has been pretty decent:

Porridge with raisins and peanuts 250
Wholemeal wrap with tofu mexican style and homemade guacamole 525 (a little high!)
Grapefruit 50
Homemade lemon and coriander cous-cous with carrots, cauliflower, broccoli and cabbage 240

Probably have a piece of fruit later, keeping the intake around 1150.

I might weigh tomorrow, I am hoping to be 9st 7 but that may be a bit much too ask, we'll see. Going to do some aerobics later. Catching up with my best friends tomorrow, I don't get to see them that often so it will be really nice, though I do feel extremely self conscious of my weight and how I look right now, but I know I am heading in the right direction. Going out tomorrow night with them aswell so will have to make allowances for alcohol with the calories (vodka, lime and soda...standard!) Have great weekends everyone.

Hungry

Really hungry today not sure why, I feel generally lethargic and achy so I haven't done any exercise as of yet. Intake has been fine, pretty pleased as I thought the hunger would lead to a binge but that would just undo all the hard work. Back down to 134 today which is what I was pre the disaster of last week! So thats not bad at all, hoping to be 133 by Saturday. Today's intake:

Porridge and grapefruit 200
Houmous with carrot 60
Ryvita with avocadom, olives, tofu and salad 350
Banana with almonds 200
Big bowl of broccoli 60

Around 850 with dinner of my veggie stew to come and some fruit later, hoping to keep the intake under 1200, should definitely be do-able, and that will complete a very successful first week of veganism.

Nearly a week down

Almost a week of being vegan...not felt bad today, a few cravings which I did not give in to, great considering I've been home alone all day! Intake has actually been really low today, not intentionally it just has ended up that way, which is pretty encouraging, because I am just eating whenever I get hungry and I am eating what I fancy at that time, no plans, just sort of going with the flow, and it seems to be working. I haven't weighed myself this week which is another positive, though I think I will weigh either tomorrow or Friday morning, I am not expecting much due to last weeks binging, so if I weigh around the same as I did prior to the week of unhealthiness I will be reasonably happy.

Today's intake:
Porridge with soya milk and blueberries 180
Wholemeal wrap with houmous, tofu, pea shoots and lettuce 300
Banana with almonds 200
Tiny apple with cinnamon 50

For dinner I am having a serving of a veggie stew I made this morning using carrots, cabbage, leeks, onion, swede and a veg stock cube. It is only 100 cals for a big bowl and is lovely on these colder days :) I will probably finish up with some veggie jelly and strawberries.

Did another 30 mins cardio on the stationary bike aswell, which means todays overall intake is around 700 which is the lowest for a couple of weeks and is great because it was completely unintentional. Anyways I am off to work, hope everyones doing well :)

Happy Tuesday

5th day of being Vegan and I have never felt better! I almost feel like a normal person with my eating this week...its been such a long time! Did aerobics this morning for half an hour, and went for an hour walk, it was a beautiful day! Went food shopping with the mother so the house is stocked with loads of fruits, veggies and whole foods....excitement!

Intake for today:
Porridge with blueberries 170
Apple with almonds 175
Wholemeal wrap with tomatoes, houmous and avocado 230
Plum 30
Sugar free veggie jelly 10
Dried Apricots 60
Tofu cutlet with cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower and carrot 300
Watermelon with nuts and raisins 150


Overall 1125 minus the 300 from exercise= Happy times.

New Week off to a good start

Today has gone really well, especially as I came home from my boyfriends around lunchtime and no one was home, normally this would cue a binge, but I just feel a lot stronger in the last few days. I feel like once I get going and start eating healthily again, if I can stick to it for one day I know I can continue doing it, it's just that getting past the first day hurdle, which I have managed to do this time. Anyway onto day 4 of eating vegan and eating clean, and of no calorie restrictions and I am feeling pretty good.

Today's Intake:
Porridge with blueberries cooked into it (Pink porridge is so pretty!) 180
Peanuts and Raisins 100
Wholemeal wrap with houmous, avocado, olives and lettuce, with some mashed swede and carrot on the side 280
Apple with Cinnamon 70
Fig with blueberries 40

For dinner I made a lentil curry with red lentils, chopped tomatoes and curry powder, for some reason the portion came out absolutely tiny, I have no idea as the lentils weighed exactly the same as they always do. It was nice regardless and only 150 cals. After I had a banana and some almonds which puts me around 1100 for today, I will probably have some sugar free veggie jelly later and I am going on the stationary bike for half an hour so will burn around 200 cals. Perfect start to the new week :)

Good Weekend

Had a good day yesterday, intake was around 1300. I even cooked dinner for me and my boyfriend :)

Saturday Intake:
Porridge 135
Plum 30
Tofu 185
Lettuce 10
Watermelon 40
Peanuts and Raisins 180
Apple 80
Then I made vegan spaghetti bolognese with kidney beans which was around 650
Strawberries and sugar free veggie jelly 30

Today has gone well so far and I have done 30 minutes of cardio burning 120 cals, though I felt really drained during it, I have no idea why. I have had really bad pain in my wisdom teeth all weekend, I hope it goes away soon!

Sundays intake:
Porridge 135
Blueberries 25
Peanuts and Raisins 100
Rice Cake and Ryvita crackers 100
Houmous 50
Avocado 50
Olives 25
Lettuce 5
Tofu 100
Nectarine 60

Planning on having some sweet potato and veggies for dinner and some fruit if I get hungry during the day. Onwards to the new week :)

Successful day

Today has been great, I felt really positive when I woke up and am really committed to making my veganism stick this time! I think in the past any small slip up or failure has led to me just giving in, which has held me back.

For breakfast I made a delicious smoothie with banana, pomegranate, raspberries and soy milk. I had some almonds mid-morning. Then I had a houmous, avocado and olive wholemeal wrap for lunch with some salad. This afternoon I have had some apple with a sprinkling of cinnamon. For dinner I am having a Tofu cutlet with cabbage and sweetcorn. I will probably finish with some sugar free veggie jelly and blueberries. All in all a very good day. I did 30 mins of yoga aswell. Hope you all have great weekends.

Starting over for the final time

I am starting over tomorrow and this really will be the last time!! I'm going back to full veganism and I do not care if my boyfriend and family refuse to accept that decision anymore, I am 22 years old and I can make my own lifestyle choices and decisions.

I figured for the first few days I am not going to set any calorie targets, I am just going to eat when I am hungry and it's going to be all vegan, healthy, whole foods :)

I have a breakfast smoothie recipe which I am quite excited to make in the morning. I am so looking forward to a fresh start and to start looking good again and feeling even better, because I am sick and tired of hating myself, it is so mentally draining, it is such a viscous cycle. I have lost most of the last year of myself, stuck in this endless circle of binging, restricting, purging and ultimately putting on weight, I have put on almost 2 stone since this time last year, which is an epic failure on my behalf and I have no idea how I let it get to this stage. But anyways enough from me, cannot wait to see the numbers dropping on the scale.

Back

Fucking disaster. Epic.Fucking.Fail.
First few days went really well, probably did not eat over 1500 on any day and walked absolutely tons. Last few days have been atrocious. Not binging, just eating really large meals. Today and yesterday especially, I just gave up counting calories. bad.times.

Went back to work today, my work trousers that used to fit me fine, no longer do, depressing. To top it off one of my colleagues told me I'd put on weight in my face (yes I am aware of that, knob!) and another told me I looked healthy (clearly meant fat!). Anyways, I hope I wake up in the morning with the desire to change things and turn things around, I have about 6 weeks before a travelling reunion and I want to look like I did pre-travels.

Hope you are all doing good :)

See you guys in a week

I'm off for the week to London so I won't be blogging. Here's to a good week! Hoping to come back a couple of pounds lighter-aiming for 130! Have a great week everyone!

Change of Plans

Had another mini cereal binge groan! Going away for a week tomorrow though so no binges :) Anyway I am changing up the plan as the abc is too difficult when you are constantly around people, and I am worried about my metabolism slowing down too much. So what I am aiming to do is to alternate each day of the abc with a higher calorie day of either 800, 1000 or 1200. So starting day 4 abc tomorrow:

day 4: 400

day 5:800

day 6:100 (this is going to be difficult as I am staying with my brother)

day 7:1000

day 8:200

day 9:1200

day 10:300 (this is when I come back, hopefully manage to stick to this)

Won't be able to do much exercise when I am away but will try and walk lots

Back on it

So today has been great so far, I am feeling empty which is a good sign. I decided to stay over my boyfriends all day today (wise move after yesterdays mini binge) which is great as he never has any food in. Intake:
Oatmeal 130
Quorn sausages with lettuce 110
Sugar free veggie jelly 10
Plum 25
275 so far, plan on having cabbage soup (100) for dinner for a total of 375 and then doing some pilates when I go home later this evening to burn off 100 cals.

day 3 fail

Was going well at the start of the day, but I didn't have breakfast at my boyfriends so by the time I got home I was starving and there in the cupboard staring at me was a new bag of granola cereal and it was open! Dammit! I had a handful which was clearly an error, better off having none at all, anyway it triggered a bit of a binge, had several more bowls of cereal (unfortunately it is hugely calorific and full of sugar) which leaves me around 1800 for today already! Fail! I have burnt 200 on the bike, am going to do 45 mins of cardio which will prob burn another 150, go for a walk burning around 200 and possibly go for a run later, have to somehow salvage something out of the day.

Positives: I managed to stop the binge when I easily could have carried on!
Also I did not purge which is progress, I guess.

I'm going to start day 3 over tomorrow.

Positive

Yesterday was a really good start, my intake was 500 (i had an apple after i posted) but I didn't do any cardio in the end as I had a bit of an upset stomach.

Today has been another good day:
Oatmeal made with water and with strawberries 150
Cabbage soup 100
Sugar free veggie jelly 10
Greengages 10
Could not get out of dinner with the fam so it was larger than I would of wanted
Sweet potato, small amount of stuffing, runner beans, broccoli, parsnips (No idea how much but I guess maybe 3-400)

Burnt 200 cals on the stationary bike so I guess somewhere around the 500 mark overall. Hopefully each day that goes by I will find it easier and easier again to have less food. Tomorrow is 300 so its going to be a tough one and I will have to spread the cals during the day. Thinking positive!

Good day

Had a great day, felt really positive this morning and have managed to continue that throughout the day. This was a pretty good achievement considering I was alone in the house when I woke up this morning, usually this is a cue to binge, but not anymore!

Intake for today:
Banana 100
Rice cake 40
Ryvita cracker 40
Hummus         50
Sugar free vegetarian jelly 20
Ryvita 40
Home made cabbage soup (i have no idea how many cals, guestimate 100)
Strawberries 10

Overall 400

Went for a 3 mile walk burning 184 cals, and I am going to do either some yoga or stationary biking later.

Massive headache so I'm trying to keep the water intake up.

Onwards to day 2.

abc

going to give it a go tomorrow

Day 1: 500 calories (or less)
Day 2: 500 calories (or less)
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: Fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: Fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: Fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800 calories
32: Fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: Fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: Fast

it was going so well...

everything was going really well, I had lost 4 pounds and was feeling great after a week of being a vegan. Then I had to go out with my family for a meal (none of them know I have turned back vegan because they didnt approve last time) the veganism went and so did the being healthy, even though I wasn't by any means on an obscene amount of calories for that day. Unfortunately the last 2 days have been really bad for me, massive binge today, managed to stop myself from purging though, which I guess is a feather in the cap. I will be back on form tomorrow, ready for a new day because I am so sick of this!

I am sick of feeling like a complete failure all the time, I am sick of wallowing in hopelessness. Its time to make a change and that is going to start right now.