Scared

Just got my repeated blood test results back, my white blood cell count was low again (though I somewhat expected this, as I haven't been very well since the test) and I have to go back to repeat it for a third time when I am feeling better (still feel mega drained from being ill over the last few weeks)

I have no idea whats going on, I'm shit scared, and I am driving myself completely insane by looking up about low wbc on the net (I know I shouldn't do it!) .I feel completely and totally lost now.

BMI back under 20

Its weigh-in day. My bmi is finally back under 20, it has been a while actually...I think I haven't been this weight since the end of october, so this is a step in the right direction :)

8st 4 is a significant weight for me, as it is a weight I plateaued at for around a year some time ago. Whatever I tried I could not get below this weight, I was totally stuck there. This time I am going to work my ass off to get under it. There will be no sticking at 8st 4 thank you very much.

Next goal: 8st 2, for two weeks from now.

Negativity Over

Ugh I just browsed through my last few posts...what a plethora of negativity/self-pitying/ranting/self-loathing etc. Shocking. So from here on out this blog will be a happy place, where I record my triumphs because there will be no more disasters.

Overall January has been very good, I have binged about 4 days of the month, and purged twice :(

I have lost half a stone, which i'm pretty fucking pleased with.

So i'm going to stop moping and being miserable, as this month has been a fucking success, and I am ready to kick February's arse now aswell.

With 4 days left in January I want to be under 8st 4 for the 1st of Feb.

I wanna have control...

Right fucked up for the final time. Huge binge. Then purged. I hate this. I hate myself.

I am no longer living, I am in a state of simply existing. My eating disorder has taken over my life, and every day has become a constant struggle. I don't want to live life like this, I want to enjoy every second of life, but this constant battle with myself has taken over. My life is a misery. The only way out of this is to become thin.

New Rules:
1. Only Vegan Food
2. No junk food i.e high in fat/sugar
3. No purging
4. Only eat when hungry
5. Drink water if hungry and wait 30 mins to see if hunger subsides
6. No eating after 7
7. Anything I eat that breaks these rules will go on the banned list, and I won't be allowed them at all.

Banned List.

• Biscuits
• Alpen
• Special K
• Oatcakes
• Marmalade
• Jam
• Cereal Bars

The aim is to only eat when hungry, to try and eat like a normal person, rather than either eating nothing at all or stuffing my face.

I am fed up of every day being a failure. I am starting now, and I will not fail. I will be thin.

Missing in Action

My Self Control is M.I.A, if anyone has seen it, could they please return it to me.

I'm fed up of falling down now. I was 8st 5 this morning, I won't be staying there!

Today binge....Big cereal binge, I ate 9 weetabix, 2 bowls of alpen and a bowl of special k (NOT VEGAN!) Total complete Fail. I refuse to purge this time, as I don't want to let myself feel like I can get away with this, I need to see the damage and the effects so I won't do it again.

Cereal is the only real binge trigger food for me, and I really don't feel like I can have it in the house anymore, as much as I love it. Anyway I'm on around 1300 cals so far ! eek! I have to have dinner later aswell, so I'm going to do lots of exercise this afternoon, If i can get my overall intake to be under 1600 I'll be reasonably pleased.

Total fail day. I have only have 2 weeks left before I meet up with my uni friends, and I need to lose 5 pounds, so I'm going to have to work much harder.

Fail.

1600 calories for today was fine...2100 is not....epic fail....not even a binge...just randomly picking at stuff, this always happens when I work in the day, when I come home later.

At least it was not anything I would classify as bad food, it was just high calorie food: houmous, almonds, apricots etc....grrrr.

I'm starting over tomorrow, I feel like the cupboards are bare enough for me to be able to succeed (I seem to always find something else!) But not this time, I will not fail.

This last week has really set me back.

I need to be 8st by the 11th February, I am meeting up with uni friends and I do not want them to see me like this.

So, starting now...back to restricting. I hate food. Tomorrow I have to have dinner with the boyfriend which will be around 4-500 cals, so I'm going to try and get under 800. Wish me luck.

Tough Week

This weeks been really tough...The illness of last week developed in the worst cold I have ever had in my life, unfortunately I have had to work every single day, and could not call in sick....so I haven't been able to rest up as I would have liked....Working 10 hour shifts, standing on my feet all day, means I have been consuming a fair amount of calories...I come home at lunch and when I finish and I am just so hungry.

Haven't done any exercise since Tuesday as I feel like shit.

Intake has been ok: 1300 weds and thurs and 1600 ish today, not bad...though I thought that as I was ill it would kill my appetite and I would not eat much but it seems to have worked the opposite way. Oh well, tomorrow is a new day, and I will hopefully feel better, and start again.

Right now I feel huge...
I have no idea what I weigh...
This terrifies me.

disaster

Absolute fucking disaster. I purged, now I am a complete and total mess.

That was my first proper binge since well before christmas, I am so disappointed.

I cannot believe it came on by just being in the house alone, how weak am I.

I broked my veganism as well which had been going so well all week, just so I could stuff my face withe cereal, which frankly doesnt even taste that nice.

I have now blown my boyfriend off aswell, we had plans, but instead I'm sat here alone purging and now going to do a crazy amount of exercise to burn off the damage.

I feel really shitty, actually I am really shitty, I am a terrible person, I have lied to him for the millionth time and I cannot do it anymore, I cannot do this anymore.

I fucking hate purging, its disgusting, its terrible for your health, and I refuse to ever do it again.

This is an epic fail, it has reminded me how much of a failure I am and at the end of the day what is the result....I am alone....If this continues I will end up alone, there's only so much of my shit that people can take, this must stop now. Sorry, self-pitying rant over.

fuck

it continued, im onto branflakes now (definitely not vegan aswell wtf) i cannot stop, i think im going to have to purge.......fuuuuuuuuuuck

binge

just binged on weetabix, intake for today is 1600 ugh! I was home alone, i'm never alone at night usually, thankfully....this week has been shitty, starting afresh tomorrow.

Fucks sake

1600 calories....Not happy at all....No exercise....Super disappointing.

I hate this feeling. When I stop and realise what I have consumed and it is too fucking late, the damage is done. Now I have to wait until tomorrow to make it up. So annoying, I cannot will not keep failing like this.

I will use the last few days as say a rest period or a short break, designed to keep my metabolism high, hopefully now when I drop back into eating under 1000 again (from tomorrow!!) my weight will continue to fall instead of platueaing.

I need to exercise so badly, but my body is telling me its too soon after being ill, maybe I will just do half an hour on the wii fit or something..

I have just had travel jabs. I am going to south america in April so I thought I better get them started, now my arms hurt...ow!

Anyway, tomorrow will be better, because I refuse to settle at this weight.

 I will be thin.
I will be thin.
I will be thin.

Down days

I've struggled with my intake the last few days, it has not been especially high: between 1100-1400 the last 3 days. I just have not managed to do any exercise at all, so I am feeling kind of sluggish.

I am really not feeling fantastic after being ill, it has taken its toll big time, I just feel completely wiped out at the moment. Hopefully as the week progresses I will be able to get back to doing some light exercise.

Weighed myself this morning, still at 118lbs which is fine because I think my intake has been too high and I have not been burning off as much as I would like.

Some days I don't hate myself every waking second of the day, sometimes I feel actually maybe I don't look so bad at this weight...I've just felt a bit low the last few days...I feel absolutely huge...I just find it hard to do anything or be around people at all when i feel like that...

I think I am going out for a meal with the boyfriend for lunch tomorrow (great! Calories), hopefully I will just eat half of it, and then I won't eat for the rest of the day, I want to keep my intake under 1000.

Another pound down.

Weighed myself this morning and I was 118 pounds, lost another pound...glad to be back under 8 and a half stone.

I do not think I am going to weigh for the rest of the week though, as I am on my period (2 months in a row, wow!) and I know sometimes this can affect body weight, something to do with water retention, so I will probably wait until it is over to weigh next.

Anyway I am gradually incorporating more foods back into my diet. I had some weetabix, soy milk and strawberries this morning, so I will see how the body reacts to that.

I am pleased with my progress so far, lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks, and hopefully I can keep it up.

Next goal is 116 pounds, which was my maintence weight for probably about a year or so. No matter how hard I tried I could never get under that weight, until I got sick and managed to drop below that finally. Anyway this time around I hope i do not plateau.

I think its important to keep mixing up routine, with different amounts of calories and exercises just to keep the metabolism high.

Oh and thanks for following me, I really enjoy all of your blogs.
Think thin.

Fast

24 hour fast is over. Had to be done, I have felt awful the last week, so hopefully I have killed the bug off.

This evenings intake will be pretty low aiming for something around 300 cals. Originally I was not going to eat until tomorrow morning, but I figured 24 hours was enough, plus I am feeling incredibly weak now.

I honestly do not know if I could fast regularly...I've found it alright this past 24 hours, as I have spent most of the time in bed feeling awful. I do not think I could actually go about my normal daily life if I was fasting though.

Hopefully the illness will now be defeated, and I can get back into exercising again, right now I am far too weak to do anything.

I am going to gradually increase my food intake and the types of food I am taking in over the next few days. For today and probably tomorrow I am sticking to BRAT (Bananas, rice, apple, toast) apparently these are good for getting over a tummy bug, and then I will start to increase the variety of food by the weekend. Hopefully will have lost another pound by then.

Hooray for being ill

Went over again! Around 1600 cals. fail. I guess would be around 1400 with the walking I did this morning, which is way too high. Went into work, felt awful and had to leave early, think I have a bug or a virus, anyway I'm fasting tomorrow to try and kill it off as its been lingering since Saturday now. Serves me right for going over my intake, hopefully will lose some weight too.

119lbs

Definitely under 120lbs hooray! Weighed again this morning and I am at 8st7 which I'm quite pleased with.

Had to go to the doctors this morning to get blood test results back (the history here being that I didn't have a period in 6 months, however, since having the blood tests I have had a period), but I had to walk as the snow is so bad, it took me an hour and a half to get there and back, I've never seen the snow this bad... Anyway all my blood tests were normal except my white blood cell count so I had to have it done again...Stupidly I didn't have breakfast before I went and I came home and have been absolutely famished the whole morning.

Cals. at 650 at the moment after lunch, so aiming for under 1000, burnt off 250 with the walking aswell :) I'm feeling pretty strong today, hope it stays that way.

Struggling

I've felt like I am struggling for the last few days now, weight is down to 8 and a half stone (119 lbs) and I feel like I've kind of settle there and started eating too much again.

Sunday was 900 cals. (fine), yesterday I had to have dinner with the boyfriend so it was around 1300 and today has been a bit of a fail, due to mixed fruit and nut!! Error buying that! Prob around 1600.ish, which is awful, and highest intake since before I started the health kick, really disappointed.

Snow has been awful again today, had to walk home from work which took around 50 mins, at least would have burnt some calories.

Back to hard work again tomorrow I think, I will not settle for 8st7lb. I must be thin.

Dammit

I weighed myself again today, it is almost like its completely unconscious, I'm not even aware I'm doing it, and then its too late. This is really ridiculous, I cannot even go a day without stepping on the scales. I am trying, really I am, but I just feel massively out of control when I don't weigh myself.

Today has been successful, around 800-900 calories, did not do any exercise though, as I'm still feeling a bit under the weather after yesterday, must have a bug of some sort. Was on my feet in work for 6 hours though, so hopefully burnt a little bit. I'm feeling really shattered tonight, my bed is calling...

Caved

I gave in, had to weigh myself! After my mini-binge I am 120lbs, which is another pound lost, and so close to the teens :) I'm pleased with, but it could of been even better had I not had that setback this morning.  I think i'm going to try and weigh myself every other day, instead of once a week, its just too hard at first.

Just went for a long walk and about 5 minutes from home started to feel really unwell, came back and have really bad cramps and was really sick, don't know if this is food related or a bug of some sort. Anyway I shan't be eating for the rest of the day because of it. This will leave me around just over 1000 cals. minus the walking leaves me at around 850 not bad all things considered.

Fuck

Yeah so that last post went really well! Lasted about 10 mins and i've had a bit of a mini-binge, its not been atrocious, but still really disappointed because of my progress. Also I ate some cake....Fail! I'm pretty sure it wasn't vegan as well, I'm absolutely furious with myself. My calories are around 1000 so I'm pissed off. Going for a long walk...

This is the real test

So my brother has just left to go back to uni, this for me is I think what triggered my binge eating over the past few months. Once he came back for Christmas, in the past 3 weeks, I have not binged at all.

As he is away, I am on my own in the house a lot more, meaning boredom and also no-one around to watch me. However, now I am going to try and turn this on its head, as a positive, and think that if there is no-one around, then there will be no-one to keep track of how little I am eating and question me about it.

I will miss him terribly, but hopefully I will not get into bad habits now that he has gone.

One week down...

So it has been a week since I turned Vegan and a week since I cut out bad food (cake, bsicuits, crisps etc) and to be honest it has been a pretty good week, after the hellish weeks of the past few months.

My average calorie intake has been 1000, which is a little high, but for the first week I can deal with that, I'll try and get it down to around 800 this week.

I've done pretty well with my veganism, I had one day when I really struggled and felt exhausted, but I've felt fine mostly, and have stuck to it really well on the whole. I have to go food shopping and stock up on vegan food though. I'm finding it difficult because I live with my mum and dad, and they've always been very accepting of my vegetarianism, but I have yet to tell them about turning vegan, I feel I will get a very negative response.

Ive exercised for at least half an hour every day, mostly wii fit as due to the snow and ice it is to dangerous to walk, let alone run anywhere, so I'm burning off around 100 cals. a day. I would like this to be higher, and once I can commence running again, it will be, although the bad weather apparently is set to last for another 6 weeks! Britain will be at an utter stand still by that point.

I'm attempting to give up weighing myself everyday, and finding it very hard, I really want to step on the scales, but I know it's for the best if I don't...Anyway week 1 down, onto a successful week 2.

Must Stop Weighing Myself Several times a day

Right, I have had enough, I cannot take continuously looking at the scales and seeing the same weight.

I am giving up my love affair with the scales, and I refuse to use them any more than once a week.

This is going to be extremely difficult for me as I am usually on them several times daily, so I'm just going to take it one day at a time, and avoid them, as I feel like they are really holding me back.

Goodbye scales, see you on the 13th.

Exhausted and hungry

Today has been pretty naff. I had a rubbish sleep, didn't actually go to sleep until long after 2am then woke up several times, at 6ish I could not get back to sleep, so I've just had a major headache and felt really sluggish all day.

The long awaited snow has arrived, so Britain has inevitably ground to a halt. I made the most of it, and made a snowman (I felt like such a kid again, we haven't had snow this deep since I was in primary school) and I hiked up the hill near to where I live, it was a bit treacherous but the views were stunning from the top.

I was trying really hard to make this another day of under 1000 calories, but i've just felt really hungry all day today, no matter what I have eaten or how much water I have drunk, I still feel absolutely starving. Im at around 1200 ish and I have yet to have dinner, so I'm going to make this a maintanence day, hopefully it will kick-start my metabolism, and I will aim to be under 1600 calories which I think I can manage.

I'm a bit disappointed because I've been doing really well, so I feel a bit of a failure today, but i'll just use this as a maintenance day and hopefully feel better tomorrow. As a side note, I haven't eaten anything really bad today just olives, nuts, and houmous have really racked up the calories....annoyed.

What about a maintenance day?

Very good day again, around 1000 cals. have been doing some cardio and also cleaned my boyfriends flat this morning, so put it around 850 probably. Also have been on my feet in work for 7 hours, so that should help too.

I was just wondering about your guys opinions on having a high cal day maybe once a week, just to keep my metabolism going? Thoughts/Opinions on this?

If my maintenance is 1600 calories should I have a day where I eat that amount say once a week? 1600 at the  moment seems to me like a scary amount of food. Right now I'm feeling like 1000ish is a massive amount, so I'm not sure whether I could manage 1600. It makes me feel really ill when I think about all the days over the last few months where I have sky-rocketed over that 1600 cals., absolutely gross.

I want to keep my metabolism going and in the long run perhaps having a maintenance day would pay off, but at the same time, I am positively terrified of consuming that amount of calories.

Home Alone

My parents went back to work today after the Christmas break and my brother has been out most of the day, so I have been in the house on my own all afternoon, and I am pretty pleased with how I got on.

Usually everyone leaving would be a cue for me to binge (usually on huge quantities of cereal), and I was a bit worried how today would go, as its the first day I've been in the house alone since before christmas, but it has turned out fine, and I'm really proud of myself.

Total intake for today after dinner is around 900 cals. but I have been on the wii fit and been for a 3 mile walk so my total cals today would be somewhere around 600, which I'm really pleased with, considering I was left alone. Finally, I feel like I can move on from the binging. I feel like with each day that passes without me doing it, I will not only be closer to my goal, but also there will be less and less chance that I will turn back to binging.

2lbs lighter

Just got off the wii fit, and it informs me that I have lost 2lbs, which was that was my aim for about a week and a half from now, so I am really pleased. I am down to 8st 9 (121 lbs), so the next target is to be 8st 7 within the next two weeks, which was always a pivotal weight for me.

When I was at my lowest weight, I always thought of 8st 7 as my upper boundary, that if I reached that point, enough would be enough and I wouldn't gain any more, however I sadly let myself go way over that this summer. It's sad really, and in fact I am pretty furious with myself, because it took a huge amount of work to get down to 109 lbs and now I'm having to put all that hard work in again, but at least when i reach my goal of 105 I'll know that i've worked bloody hard to get there, and all the hard work will have payed off.

After going through all the effort to lose the weight for a second time, I can't really see myself being too eager to jump back into old habits, so hopefully I will be able to maintain at this lower weight.

Success

Great day today, at 694 cals. after dinner, so that should be it for today, which i'm really pleased with. I've been in work all afternoon so that made it easier to control cals. I have been on the wii fit today aswell, so overall a very positive day. Hopefully can keep it up tomorrow.

Mini-Fail

Yesterday went well, I managed to avoid the cheesecake, and my overall cals. were around 1000 which I was pleased with considering it must have been massively higher than this the previous 2 weeks thanks to Christmas.

Today was going really well I was on 700 cals. for the day, however I had a bit of a mini-crisis when my friend in work, who is a vegan, brought me some vegan cookies and a vegan muffin that his mum had made for me. The gesture was extremely sweet, but sort of ruined my restricting for today as I failed and  ate them all :( I figured this didnt push my calories up to a massive high amount, prob around 1300 I guess, also I've been on my feet constantly moving in work for 8 hours so I figure that must have burnt off a little bit as well. At least the cakes are gone now, and they didn't trigger an all out binge which was good. However, if I was at home at the time, I definitely would have purged, being in work stopped me, which i'm glad about, because i bloody hate purging.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a pretty low cal day and I'm going to try and get some exercise in too, I think its still too icy to start running again, so I think I'll probably spend some time on the wii fit.

I shall resist the cheesecake

My mum has made an absolutely massive homemade cranberry and pecan cheesecake, and I won't be having any of it :) I feel like something has really clicked in me today, and like I have my old willpower and strength to resist back, I know that as soon as I complete one day of restricting, I will be strong enough to continue it right through, and be patient enough to wait to see results.

New Year, New Start

Happy New Year's everyone. 2010 has brought a fresh start, and I am really excited to start on a new journey. Today has gone well so far, only had some weetabix and soy milk, my family are having a big dinner later, so im going to have to get out of this somehow. Probably going to go for a run or walk this afternoon, its a beautiful day.