Fail.

1600 calories for today was fine...2100 is not....epic fail....not even a binge...just randomly picking at stuff, this always happens when I work in the day, when I come home later.

At least it was not anything I would classify as bad food, it was just high calorie food: houmous, almonds, apricots etc....grrrr.

I'm starting over tomorrow, I feel like the cupboards are bare enough for me to be able to succeed (I seem to always find something else!) But not this time, I will not fail.

This last week has really set me back.

I need to be 8st by the 11th February, I am meeting up with uni friends and I do not want them to see me like this.

So, starting now...back to restricting. I hate food. Tomorrow I have to have dinner with the boyfriend which will be around 4-500 cals, so I'm going to try and get under 800. Wish me luck.

Fuck

Yeah so that last post went really well! Lasted about 10 mins and i've had a bit of a mini-binge, its not been atrocious, but still really disappointed because of my progress. Also I ate some cake....Fail! I'm pretty sure it wasn't vegan as well, I'm absolutely furious with myself. My calories are around 1000 so I'm pissed off. Going for a long walk...

Home Alone

My parents went back to work today after the Christmas break and my brother has been out most of the day, so I have been in the house on my own all afternoon, and I am pretty pleased with how I got on.

Usually everyone leaving would be a cue for me to binge (usually on huge quantities of cereal), and I was a bit worried how today would go, as its the first day I've been in the house alone since before christmas, but it has turned out fine, and I'm really proud of myself.

Total intake for today after dinner is around 900 cals. but I have been on the wii fit and been for a 3 mile walk so my total cals today would be somewhere around 600, which I'm really pleased with, considering I was left alone. Finally, I feel like I can move on from the binging. I feel like with each day that passes without me doing it, I will not only be closer to my goal, but also there will be less and less chance that I will turn back to binging.

Mini-Fail

Yesterday went well, I managed to avoid the cheesecake, and my overall cals. were around 1000 which I was pleased with considering it must have been massively higher than this the previous 2 weeks thanks to Christmas.

Today was going really well I was on 700 cals. for the day, however I had a bit of a mini-crisis when my friend in work, who is a vegan, brought me some vegan cookies and a vegan muffin that his mum had made for me. The gesture was extremely sweet, but sort of ruined my restricting for today as I failed and  ate them all :( I figured this didnt push my calories up to a massive high amount, prob around 1300 I guess, also I've been on my feet constantly moving in work for 8 hours so I figure that must have burnt off a little bit as well. At least the cakes are gone now, and they didn't trigger an all out binge which was good. However, if I was at home at the time, I definitely would have purged, being in work stopped me, which i'm glad about, because i bloody hate purging.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a pretty low cal day and I'm going to try and get some exercise in too, I think its still too icy to start running again, so I think I'll probably spend some time on the wii fit.

This one's for keeps.

The amount of blogs I have set up in the recent past to catalog my weight problems/loss/exercise etc etc is unreal, yet I have managed to not keep any of them. So this time its different, my resolution shall be to keep this one up for the year, or at least until I reach a point in my life where I feel I have control and feel comfortable enough to not need this anymore.

So my weight journey, well...I was sort of large-ish about 3 years ago or so, at the time I never realised I was big, I look back at photos now and feel repulsed at the sight I see, but I literally did not realise until I lost weight, how big I was. Anyway at my highest I was around 10st 7 getting on for 11st. In my first year of uni I got really sick and lost about a stone in a weekend, I then realised that I looked and felt alot better, and so I started to eat alot healthier, the weight fell off very quickly, and soon I was aiming to get under 9st, it took me a little while but I felt great at finally getting under that barrier, however this was soon not enough and I found myself wanting to get below this, my weight finally plateaued at 8st 4 but I got sick again, and it dropped to under 8st, which felt fabulous, I felt amazing. My lowest weight I then reached was 7st 11, sadly I then rediscovered food, I think in some ways it has been a comfort thing since I finished uni and my brother moved away to uni I have been very lonely. My weight in the last 6 months has shot back up to 8st 11, I am absolutely fed up, and have completely lost control, I have binged at times and have at times also made myself sick to control this. I cannot take the image staring back at me in the mirror anymore, and I feel huge and disgusting. So this is where this is now coming to an end, because I am sick of feeling so out of control.

Christmas has been a bit of a disaster, but this is the end now... so from new years day I am becoming a vegan, partly as a way of being healthier and controlling my weight and also partly because of my hatred for the dairy industry...Anyway enough of that, my goal is to get back to the weight I was, and I will catalog my progress (fingers crossed) on this blog. So there we have it, new years day cannot come soon enough, and i cannot wait to start now.