Away for a while

Weighed myself this morning and I am not impressed at all! I am not allowing myself back on here until I get to 126lbs. So see you all in a while.

Skinny girl starts tomorrow

So this weekend has not been bad, I've just been preparing myself for skinny girl to start tomorrow. Intake has prob been around 1300-1600 for the last 3 days not bad at all.

Friday:
Porridge with peanut butter
Plum
Satsuma
Lettuce
Homemade lentil stew
Almonds
Raisins and dried figs
Tofu with stir fried veg

Saturday:
Peanut butter porridge
homemade lentil stew
2 ryvita crackers with peanut butter
Anniversary meal was not bad at all:
Olives
Half a very thin slice of bread with tiny bit of oil
Rocket
Some bruschetta topping
Penne with tomato sauce with olives and capers (I probably ate like 1/4 of it...go me!)
Majority of a bottle of wine (Hence why I feel shit today!)

Today (Major hangover!)
Peanut butter porridge
Pitta with olives houmous and falafel
Banana
Apple
Bowl of cornflakes
Strawberries
Gooseberries
Carrots, Cauliflower, Sweet potato and Celeriac mash

Actually the last 3 days have not been bad at all! I have no idea what I weigh mind, I will weigh tomorrow morning before the start of the SGD. I really hope to be around 130, but doubt I will be!

It will be the first time I have ever tried the SGD so hopefully it will go well. First day is 400 plus fruit and veggies. Hopefully should be quite busy this week, so I am hoping for a good week. I really need to kickstart my exercise, I haven't done my yoga since Monday! I need to start doing it again, and start running again, once my new running pants arrive. I am getting a bike for Christmas, which is going to be awesome, I haven't had one since I was a kid, so I am really looking forward to that.

I am going to London next weekend and would love to be in the 120's by then. Fingers crossed.

Fasting

Fasting going well, just water and I am almost 12 hours in :) going to bed now. I have to stop losing control like this morning and I think stopping the purging is definitely the way to do it, I suppose eating 2000 calories all day is not the end of the world, just need to make sure it is less if it happens again. Anyway tomorrow I shall break the fast, if I am hungry I will have oatmeal before I go to work but if not I will carry it on for a bit longer and then have some homemade lentil and tomato soup. For dinner tomorrow I am making stir fry for me and my boyfriend, I will just have stir fry veg and tofu though, no noodles for me :) Saturday we are going out as it is our 7 year relationship anniversary! God where did that time go! I will try and order the healthiest vegan thing on the menu, and eat half of it. I am just going to keep this weekend as low as possible and healthy foods and then Monday start skinny girl, lets see how it goes. I am in a good frame of mind to start this right now, I feel enough is enough, really this time I feel super determined, I want to see the 120's again! Have good weekends.

Not easy

I fasted for 20 hours, did not even feel hungry at all but for some reason decided to break the fast with cereal big mistake! I have now consumed about 2000 calories in 2 hours but I am refusing to purge as this just reinforces the binge/purge cycle. Will just have to deal with feeling very uncomfortable and bloated for today! I think this is really the way to break the cycle. I am fasting until 11am tomorrow when I will break my fast when I am in work with soup or a salad and then I am at my boyfriends all weekend so there will be no more binges :)

Todays Binge:
Several bowls of cornflakes with rice milk
Oatmeal
2 homemade vegan peanut butter cups (death)
1 homemade blueberry muffin
Pitta with homous and tofu
Apple

I suck. Anyways I am going to fast until tomorrow then restrict as much as possible all weekend and then start the skinny girl diet on monday. I am hoping to be around 130 by monday!

A letter to bulimia

Dear Bulimia,

                      I don't remember where we first met, in fact I don't remember when we first met or how or why! But I do know this, I remember the place that I said goodbye to you, and that is right here and right now.

You have taken me time, my energy, my money, my self-esteem, my confidence, my body and I have nothing to show for it. I am in a far worse position than when I first met you.

You said you would be the solution, you would make me thin. You can't make me thin, you have left me bloated and puffy and messed up from the inside. Mentally and physically you have left me destroyed.

You have crept into my life and have become more and more of a feature to the detriment of everything else in it. I don't want you to be a part of it any longer.

You were far too easy to get along with and I know that you're going to be far from easy to get rid of, but I am ready for the challenge. This is going to be the toughest thing I have ever done and I am ready for set-backs and failures and I am not going to give in until you are completely out of my life.

I never want to see you again. Thanks for nothing.

MM

How did this happen?

I just had an epic binge, been on the cornflakes all morning then I made my boyfriend vegan peanut butter cups and ate 2 of them. I purged, it was disgusting. I knew this was coming. Failure. I will now embark on a 24 hour fast which may be extended to 36 hours depending on how its going and then I will be starting the skinny girl diet.

Will start to restrict again soon

Everythings going ok, I have been eating really healthy and vegan, and am starting to feel really good, a lot better than I was. My intakes have been around what I should eat for maintenance but I have been exercising a fair bit. I think right now it is important for me that I don't binge, so I am just trying to eat when hungry and allow myself healthy food. I am thinking about doing the skinny girl diet but I am just not in the right frame of mind to do it right now, so some other time I will give it a shot. I have no idea how much I weigh but I can guarantee it is over 131 pounds...fail! I think I keep hoping for quick results and then slipping up because I am not seeing them. I need to decide whether I want to get skinny again the healthy way by continuing my healthy vegan diet (which will obv. take a lot longer) or the unhealthy way by seriously restricting again and fasting (which will give much quicker results). Maybe a mix of the two. Im not sure, my head is all over the place right now.

Todays Intake:

Porridge with rice milk and 2 small squares dark choc melted into it
A couple of almonds, brazil nuts and pecans
Basil tofu with kale and homous
Plum
Satsuma
Grapes
Cous Cous
Apple
Homemade vegan shepherds pie (Veggies and lentils topped with sweet potato...delicious!) with cabbage, spinach and corn
Watermelon with seeds

Around 1600-1700...

Doing ok

I gave up the fast in the end, I think it is highly likely that that would have led me straight into a binge, so instead of just decided to try and eat normally for a while and listen to my body. The last two days have been quite hard though, I have been so hungry, no idea why, so cals have been reasonably high at 1200 and 1600, not bad though, and no binges. Also I am detoxing and going back to my vegan diet so coming off all the junk, refined sugars etc is probably making me feel like I do, aka exhausted and cranky, I know the first few days are always difficult but once I get through them I will start to feel great eating clean vegan foods again and then I will start to think about calories, but right now I just want to focus on eating healthy and go from there.


Intake for yest:
Porridge with raspeberry and pumpkin seeds
Plum
Broccoli
Tofu with lettuce and avocado
Small bit of a banana
Satsuma
Almonds
Lentil soup
Apple

Today:
Porridge with apple and almonds
Falafel houmous and salad wrap (From a wrap bar, it was pretty big, so guestimating calories at 700, although I only got one measly ball of falafel in it, stingy!)
Almonds
Vegan sausages, spring greens and brown rice (Wouldn't normally have the rice, but just feel really drained, like I needed some energy)
Orange


Have been doing a lot of yoga lately, I am finding it really helps me, I feel so serene afterwards, I am considering doing it daily. I am also hoping to join the gym quite soon, I absolutely detest the gym, prefer to be outdoors, but I think its worth joining for the access to swimming pool, and all the classes, and also its a lot safer to be running on the treadmill in the winter.

Anyways how are you all doing? Hope everyones having great weekends. I am off to see some fireworks tonight.

Temporary halt to the water fast

Have fasted for 17 hours so far but had to break the fast this morning as I am going to have vaccinations so I needed to eat before that. When my brother got them, he hadn't had breakfast and fainted in the doctors surgery, cringe. So I have broken the fast with some cereal, but I am starting it back up again right now.

Water Fast has begun

The water fast is no under way...I am suprisingly not doing this for weight loss purposes, I am doing it to detox my body of all the unhealthy crap I have eaten over the last few days before returning to a healthy whole food vegan diet. I think I need to kickstart my body back to healthiness, and I see a water fast as the ideal way to do this. Anyone who wants to come along for the ride you are more than welcome.

Who am I kidding?

So it's been three days since I decided to leave blogger land, 3 days, 2 of which have contained gross binges including non vegan food, and the other day was just a regular day. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel so lost but I really do feel like I need this blog. I just can't seem to find any normality, it is one extreme or the other. Anyway I am completely fed up and feel huuge, so I am embarking on my first ever water fast tomorrow, first few days will be tough as I have long shifts in work but I am hoping that after that I can just crash at my boyfriends, I am aiming for a 5 day water fast, but we will see how it goes. Tonight will be my last meal for a while, it is going to be a really healthy vegan one and then I shall embark on my fast, if anyone else is already fasting or would like to join me then it would be great to hear from you. I shall update tomorrow with a clear body and mind.

100 and out!

This is my 100th post and it will be my last for a while...I have blogged since January and I feel like I am stuck in a rut and I need to get out of it. I am going back to eating only vegan wholefoods, no packaged, processed shit anymore, no more binges, no more non-vegan shit, I don't want that in my life. No more calorie counting, or incessant weighing of food and myself.

I have had 4 years of hell thanks to this disease and I cannot face it anymore. I can't face counting any more calories, fat and sugar content. I know the calorific content of every single food and it rules my day to day life, constantly adding up numbers, numbers, numbers. I can't face getting on the scales every single day, and the rest of my day depending on their outcome, I am not a number, I am so much more than that, and I can't be defined by it anymore.

I have lost countless friends thanks to the strict rituals I have relied upon over the last 4 years of my life, but I have also had countless friends who have stuck by me, through incredibly low times, especially last summer. I can't begin to imagine the pain and suffering that they felt and what they went through because of what I was doing to myself. Countless tear's and nights were spent consoling me and telling me everything would be ok. I just want to be thin-I cried, "I can see your spine" was their reply. I remember turning up to my university ball and my friends boyfriend asking my best friend where I was-referring to the fact that I had completely dissappeard.That's not health, that's not happiness. It's a sick obsession.

Even at my lowest weight, it was never enough, it is never enough, the number you want to attain or the image of yourself you see will never be enough. I have been through years of struggling with my body image, there have been ups, there were fer times when I did feel good about myself, but on the whole there have been so many low's, I have been left with a completely shattered self-confidence, and a lack of any sort of self-esteem. I was no happier at 109 pounds than I am here today at 132.

I have missed out on so much, declining invites to go out because I was worried about calories, declining food at friends and families houses, eating only my safe foods or not eating at all. Not going out because I was worried about alcohol calories. Staying in to exercise instead of seeing my boyfriend. I have lived such a strict, regimented lifestyle for so long, that it is no wonder my body has rebelled and completely betrayed me this past year.

I can't live like this anymore, so here is to a new start, a fresh me, I am only eating healthy vegan whole foods, but I am not calorie counting, I will listen to my body for once, and try to nourish it as best I can. I need this. I want to feel alive again. I want to be me again.

Thanks for following, I will try to keep up with your blogs and maybe check in from time to time. But for now I just need to get away.

I just want to be normal for a while, I don't know how I even begin to go about that, how to function like a normal person, it has been too long but the journey starts here.

Happy World Vegan Day and Vegan month

So it is world vegan day today and the start of world vegan month. I am going to aim for 4 weeks of really healthy vegan eating to try and get under 9st for the beginning of december. I weighed this morning at 132, little dissapointing, I think I need to be a bit more active in my daily life and to cut my intake back a little bit.  Good luck for November everyone and happy vegan day, all you vegans out there.